are you a human being?

or a human doing?

flight

i’m not a big fan of new year's resolutions. wow, hot take right? haha. but i’m not. high pressure and high expectations cripple me as much as the next person.

i do practice ‘new month’ where i check in with a friend to set goals for that month. looking back at those goals, they usually surround the idea of letting go and living in acceptance. this past year a major theme was allowing myself to be. which, lol, i completely forgot about until i just typed that and this whole thing is about being. so, you know, all this tracks.

i got quiet today and had an inspiration ping that could very well be my new year's resolution.

what if my ‘to-do’ list shifted to a ‘to-be’ list? i feel so much pressure to DO things. when the list piles up it’s nice to get it out of my head, onto paper, and organize the tasks into manageable small chunks. that has worked for me in the past, i’m not discounting a good list. my virgo rising loooooves a list. but what i want to focus on is how these tasks serve me to be the best me.

okay hopping around but i swear it’ll all tie in.

i hate what i do for my main job. i purposefully chose it because i knew i would hate it. i chose it because it was very far from my personality. why? because as someone who used to rely on codependent coping mechanisms, my relationship to work has been habitually an area where i lose my sense of self. i chose this job because i needed to give myself proof that i don’t always lose myself or even have to. the way i’ve been reframing going to work the past couple weeks is by telling myself that it doesn’t matter what happens while i’m there as long as i’m committing to showing up for myself by going to work. this is helping me get through a pretty rough time financially. i’ve given myself a greater purpose through it. i’m focused on being a person who shows up for themselves and takes responsibility for their life.

when i focus on doing, i’m easily overwhelmed. when i’m focused on being, i act easily from a grounded space.

for the remainder of this week my to-be list looks like this :

wednesday :

• i want to be financially secure

  • write two articles for client 1

  • write press release for client 2

  • check bank account and expenses

  • open emails that contain bills

  • make an option to pay for the newsletter

• i want to be loving toward myself

  • eat 3 meals

  • smoke weed as a tool for anxiety and creativity, not dissociation

  • stretch

  • drink water

  • shower

• i want to be thoughtfully at home

  • start a book

  • wash dishes

  • sweep

  • sit outside for 5 minutes

  • functional cooking

thursday :

• i want to be financially secure

  • edit articles for client 1

  • continue writing a press release for client 2

  • check bank account and expenses

  • go to work

• i want to be loving toward myself

  • eat 3 meals

  • stretch

  • meditate

  • drink water

  • go to work

• i want to be loving toward others

  • focus on creating connection outside of whats ‘going wrong’

  • listen, pause, respond

  • go to work

• i want to live thoughtfully at home

  • read a book

  • knit

friday :

• i want to be financially secure

  • send edited articles to client 1

  • send invoice to client 1

  • finish first draft of the press release, send to client 2

  • apply to copywriting jobs

  • check bank account and expenses

• i want to be loving toward myself

  • 3 meals, water

  • yoga

  • meditate

• i want to be loving toward others

  • be of service, call a friend in need of a friend

• i want to live thoughtfully in my home

  • make a meal from scratch

  • find new ways to reuse food scraps

  • wash the dishes

  • take a bath

already it’s an interesting way for me to frame my life. it doesn’t come naturally. i really resisted the urge to write all of the things to get done and then categorize them through purpose. i feel more peace in my chest. anxiety is still here because it’s used to how we usually overwhelm ourselves with doing, which makes sense. we must train peace into our lives. this is new for us.

i’m open to these categories changing, i’m open to the evolution of this practice. i’m happy i’m starting now and not on such a loaded day. maybe part of the problem is january 1st, maybe 4 days before is the way to go. i won’t know until next year.

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what i’m working on this week :

personally : telling depression it can be here just not always.

work : i really need a full-time job. i would like your support through this. collective energy and intention to move into that which serves me may just be what i need here. keep me in mind, keep me in your thoughts, keep me close. your thought energy is more helpful than you know.

purpose : a to-be list is the best thing i can do to keep me aligned with my purpose. i feel so grateful to have the awareness and openness to see what works best for me. when i know what works best for me, everyone around me benefits.

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events i have coming up :

happy holidays!!!

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thank you so very much, you mean more to me than you know

-alex