Business, Business, Business
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Preface
Feeling the need to preface that probably for the next … I don’t know, chunk of time I’m going to be reflecting and exploring identity. And the themes therein. Follow along to discover me discovering myself.
I really hope that if I share my reflections and way of life, people feel seen through my experience, loved by my self-compassionate approach, and empowered to see their life more honestly and with grace. This is a new state of being for me, the relief I feel is unmatched by how I felt before. Before for me ended about 3 years ago. Some of you may know the 12 steps are guiding me through this, I’m not here to ‘sell’ that approach. Moreso to show that you can change your life if you are honest and ask for help, in whatever way that may feel best for you.
Okay Now the Newsletter
Lots of name related experiences as of recent here’s a few to note :
I have a friend who is trying out changing their name.
In meetings, I hear people embarrassed of their names.
I read a buzzfeed article the other day about heart throb’s from the 90s-00s net worth and it made me wonder ‘where have all the middle names gone?' Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Chad Michael Murray, Ashley Parker Angel and Freddie Prince Jr.(names of three apply too!) all have such a sophistication that only a guy in a muscle tank can pull off.
I have a friend with a unique name who opts to go by Caitlin at Starbucks.
I went on a date with a man whose name is the same as my niece's.
One of my friends got a vintage sweatshirt and we went into a full blown psycographic of the life of who owned it originally. His name was Derek(not Derrick), Parker or Dylan, he likes baseball, his room still has a needle point of a teddybear on the wall and his name is engraved on a baseball bat that doubles as a coat rack. A Total Derek.
Bonus points if that paints a picture of a sweatshirt for you - describe in the comments!!
All of these instances lead me to think about the stories I tell myself about my name. It’s Alex, btw.
Set the scene - little me, first grade, catholic school, my teacher “goes by full names.” It was the first day of school and I came home oh so upset because my name was too long to write(20 letters) and I had to finish my classwork during recess.
Having a ‘gender neutral’ but still ‘gender leaning’ name made me feel a lot of things growing up. The other Alex’s were boys. I guess some sexuality stuff comes up that I’m only now realizing too. I remember walking down the hall between classes …
What was that time period called?!? Someone once told me they called it Passing Period, I refuse to accept that, comment, plz!
… and a boy yelling “ALEX!!”
“Whoo?? Me??? Someone likes me??”
I turn around, all excited and there’s fucking Alex Kreeger next to me. I learned really quickly that no boy was calling my name.
When I was starting my professional career I had a situation that caused me to go by my long ass full name for a while. The nature of the work I was doing at that time involved a lot of building and construction stuff. So you know someone got referred to me, as is customary, and thought when I picked up the phone that I was my receptionist. I was convinced it was because they were told Alex is good at building yada yada and that my gender disappointed them. As I type that it sounds like my gender disappointed me. Sounds like an excuse. That’s a topic for a future therapy session.
Names are loaded. Worst of all we’re just given them, it’s like our bodies and souls. We wake up one day and there it all is, handed to us.
I like the idea of figuring out a name for me that would better suit me. I think I could be a Sage or something. I also like the idea of ‘keeping my name’ and allowing it to be one of the many textures of the life I was given. Both sound appealing to me.
At one point I wanted to change my name to Alyx. Lol, idk dude.
The phenomenon that caused me to write this happened when I was rereading old newsletters…
Hello, anxiety!!! Just checking in on my own words to see if I can find the one flaw I can point out again. Hello misspelled word nice to see you for the tenth time!
…and I saw me talking to myself. Calling me by my name. And it didn’t feel like me addressing me. I almost didn’t believe that my name is Alex. Even typing that it’s kinda strange, like it’s mine but not. Like Alex is the name of the cloak I wear in the world and otherwise irrelevant.
A Loose Haiku Call me by my name Address me, tell me who I am Is it even me
There’s no resolution here. I’m probably not going to change my name. But there is something to be said about accepting our lives as they are, finding the strength to empower ourselves and the ways we can do that. Names are an interesting element to identity. I’m on the fence, what do you think?
What I’m Working on This Week :
Personally: Settling into this new version of myself. I genuinely feel completely different and it’s happened relatively quickly, like 3-4 weeks. Dealing with the hang over of my past life, eager to have those things catch up to my current reality in a way that is safer for me now.
Art: Hmm thank you past Alex for the reminder. I haven’t planned any creative time this week, I’ll have to make a point to do that for next. I did get pretty wild in the design of this newsy this week. Lmk thoughts.
Work: I got a new serving job so I’m super excited to get into something new! I’m still in the pursuit of full-time work. Keep me in mind for any marketing or marketing copywriting positions!
Purpose: I’m going to work on my plan for my garden next week!
Events I Have Coming Up :
Scheduling the next Self Trust Workshop!
Thank you so very much, you mean more to me than you know
-Alex