chronic independence
see also : isolation, not asking for help, carrying the world on your shoulders, (a little taboo but…) feminism
i have felt personally victimized by my own concept of what ‘independence’ means. for me when i put on an independent front, i almost always am ignoring core needs of mine(water, food, using the restroom, budget, etc.). i’m learning to understand this side of me. in the past, it hasn’t made any damn sense as to why when people tell me i’m so independent i’ve felt so….not. it causes dialogs to run through my head that are hurtful to me and keep me not asking for help. it causes me to think i can do literally anything with a resource of one.
i’m trying to see myself more compassionately. this persona also loves to be hypercritical and self-judgmental, so a big ol hooooray for opposite action! i can see now that the chronically independent alex is trying to separate me, guard me, and protect me. the delivery just sucks. i can change the delivery.
a lot of the single women in their late 20s or early 30s i know are struggling financially. we know ourselves. we want to live alone. we want to nurture our spaces. we want friends and loved ones to help us out. we don’t know how to ask for help in healthy ways. we know what we want but we don’t know how to get it.
from where i stand, i see that our society has a huge gap to fill in. i’m told i’m able to do whatever i want for work now, but only if i can work HOW a man does. i’m told if i need more money, i need to work more hours. a lot of the single women i know have multiple jobs or are forced to work 10-12 hour days to make ends meet or complete financial goals. this feels wrong to me.
women work differently than men and our social system is built on the stamina, drive, and all-in-ness of men. this is where i depart from feminist ideology. in my opinion, the feminist movement fucked us on this front.
i don’t know about you, lady readers, but my body runs on a monthly clock based on the moon and my period. last week i was pms-ing and the brain fog was so heavy i could hardly do anything but force myself to cry to feel some type of clarity. i watched beaches, it was great! it would have been energy-depleting to try to work the usual amount i’m able to in weeks 1 and 2 after my cycle. LUCKILY i’m in a place where i’m able to take such matters slowly, with trust that the work will get done when i have the energy to. i heard a podcast with alisa vitti, creator of floliving, a couple of years ago that really shook some shit up for me in regards to working with my cycle.
but honestly, i’m scared about getting a full-time job. i know i need one to feel financially secure. but i love how i spend my time right now. working part-time really works for me and i’d love to lean into where my heart song is directing me. it feels like society doesn’t want that for me. i’d love to run a homestead, stay at home and make art and tinker and cook and provide for my community. this feels very traditional(and new!) to me. and in a traditional model, there would be a partner in the picture to help financially and physically. but on the other hand, i’m told i can do whatever i want in my life regardless of my relationship status. i simply cannot.
tasks are always easier when there’s someone else with you. it’s not codependent, it’s a fact. accountability buddies, gym partners, a hand to hold through an antique mall, a hand to help carry what you buy at the antique mall, life is better shared.
here are some helpful tools i use to make life easier as a single woman :
facetime/zoom - sometimes you need a friend with you to sit on the other end of a call saying nothing just so you can get some work done together. maybe you might need to bounce ideas off of them!
taskrabbit - you can find people easily within your budget to help with physical things. this is an area i royally suck at. i can lift, move, drill, and make anything alone and by god, i will always get hurt. if not physically, for damn sure emotionally. i’ve hired people at $20/hr to help me pack boxes or just hang around for the inevitability that i’ll need an extra hand for 3 hours. 60 bucks is a small price vs a medical bill.
truck rental - home depot and i have a love/hate but they do have the most cost-effective truck rental out there. $150 deposit, $19 for the first 75 minutes or something, and then $5 every 20 minutes.
freebie/facebook marketplace/thrifting - if there is anything that i need for the house, i almost always search facebook marketplace first to see if there’s a used option at a better price. the freebie app takes all the free items on marketplace in one place, when i have a couple of hours free i’ll check the app and see if there’s anything i could use. the items get picked up quickly so i found that i save lots of heartache if i don’t check until i’m able to hop in the car and go get it. today i got a vintage chrome coat rack and a wall organizer i’m going to hang in my bathroom as a medicine cabinet.
restore the habitat for humanity store - before going to any hardware store i stop here and usually they have what i need and a bunch that will inspire me to make something. it’s mostly all used or otherwise going to the landfill so you know, the environment.
google sheets (docs and all that google has to offer) - okay so i hate that they can read and see my private shit but at this point, the trade-off is that i’m helping myself be organized. until i’m at a point where i have a system for this that is private i’m okay with selling my soul. i keep track of all my money manually, i don’t trust apps to do this for me.
lastpass/duckduckgo - i pay for a subscription to this password manager and generator. i also use duckduckgo as my browser. i like it, it helps me feel a lot more secure on the internet. whatever that means lol.
where i would like to grow resources :
get a gun - this year i’ve done almost everything alone. this has put me in scary living situations where i would have felt more secure if i had one.
self-defense courses
learn how to work on cars
buy a safe
unbank my money and move to a local credit union
bigger vehicle - love the fiat but she, too, can’t do it all
those are definitely not all the tools i use or wish to use, just what came to mind while writing this. i think the answer to chronic independence is community. setting up a group of others who also value alternative currency and are interested in trade/barter. i’d love to make soup for you in exchange for helping me with yard work. i don’t do yard work because i either have to do it all myself with literally no tools or hire someone. those are my options for most things in our society. complete isolation(scarcity) or outsource with privilege(abundance?i’m not so sure). i don’t want any of that.
what do you do that makes you own your independence?
what does independence mean to you?
what i’m working on this week :
personally : going home this weekend! excited to see my family. scared to leave my cat.
work : i’m doing my best. i’m doing my best. i’m doing my best.
purpose : this newsletter feels like a great access point to the world wide web. i’ve felt so disconnected from engaging with community until i started this. i think it provides more context to the professional work i do, we’ll see if that’s truuuuueeee.
events i have coming up :
i just did a workshop with creative mornings on self trust through exploring art! it was so great and my heart is so full from the love that i receive from hosting these. i’m hoping to get more consistent in hosting through cm and eventually branch off into hosting them monthly once i get more of a following!
friend share :
if you’re in los angeles my sister, olivia mae and her partner teach yoga at boheme yoga in downtown and host retreats. liv also does reiki and i have been blessed to receive her gift, she’s amazing, go book her.
thank you so very much, you mean more to me than you know
-alex