fuck perfectionism
here i am coming at you fast and loose trying to do opposite action by giving you an ‘update’ on what i’ve been working on since the last newsletter.
honestly, i got a little overwhelmed. i am overwhelmed. i get this messaging, or conditioning, that tells me that i need to be laser focused on one thing in order to get the life i see in others. well my undiagnosed ADD and who i actually am, very much so tell me that that simply isn’t the case. i feel i’m in constant battle between the depth and variety that i crave and that i have to be SOMETHING and choose that identity. i want to be all things. i am all the things.
anyway what came from last week’s realization was a secondary realization. when i’m in new environments i get a massive surge of creativity. i naturally want to funnel it into one aspect of my life(maybe to expedite the discomfort?) which ultimately becomes detrimental to my overall wellbeing. but too much creativity? i know what to do with that, i can use that to my advantage. so there i go making something that is actually a strength into a hinderance. i have a massive well of creativity i can tap into at any given time, let’s use it productively instead of keeping small.
which brings me to this topic. perfectionism. i want to be honest with my process but also feel like i need to hide, isolate, certain parts of myself to come off a certain way. i hate that, i hate when people do it to me, i just want honesty.
so what i want to hide is that last week i started a full rebrand on my personal ‘brand’. perfectionism wants me to wait until it’s done to present it to you in a beautifully thought out package. well fuck off perfectionism. we both know what’s going to happen, i’ll put too much pressure on myself, it’ll never be enough and i’ll be embarrassed presenting anything at any time so why not now when it’s in infancy.
these are the steps that i’ve taken so far :
write down my needs for life in whole, where and how those needs can be met so i’m not being pink with one thing, asking too much and ultimately scared and alone. i really want to be scared and alone, deep down. you can see my process with that here :
i’m very visual and i can easily figure out my place in the world through visual language. a practice i tap into sometimes is utilizing pinterest to create a completely new board where i go through everything i’ve already pinned and see where my eye is drawn to at that moment. this gives me a visual perspective on where i’m at. so i made an aptly named board called who am i to see who i am right now hahah
my pinterest soul search guided me to do a full overhaul of my website and start thinking about reworking my resume.
this process helped me hone in on my “big idea.” what sets me apart from everyone in the world, what makes me special.
i create physical, emotional and virtual spaces where people can embrace themselves and feel something honest.
that feels so true to me that i want to scream it from the mountaintops. i’ve been so scared of my core truth. i want this in everything i do, every relationship i have, this is the fabric of my being.
so yeah that’s where i’m at with it. that’s me being honest. that’s me showing you that honesty is important to me. perfectionism, that shit is dishonest. that’s bypass, that’s avoidance, that’s denial. embracing the messy parts of myself and letting them live is really fucking hard. i think that we all do this, i think we all can relate to this. and i am put here to lead the conversation. honesty is messy, honesty is broad. i have specific skillsets that help me translate honesty visually, emotionally and relationally. that’s fucking dope so why am i over here hiding my truth? why is my natural inclination to hide and isolate? i know why. my inner child is scared. she wants to be liked. honesty is a tough pill to swallow even for her, let alone wanting to have people feel vulnerable and raw though the work i create. i get it, it’s not exactly desirable. but it is something we all crave. and i think my purpose in this life is to make it a little easier, prettier even, for people at large to connect with themselves so they can get truly honest and start living the lives they deserve. like i’m trying to. in a loving, gentle way. through spacial design, through this newsletter, through managing teams where people feel seen, through being an ear, through being myself as fully as i can be, through the art i produce, through sharing my knowledge, through arranging space. whatever it is i do next, i wont be doing it alone. i have you.
what i’m working on this week :
personally : keeping with just allowing myself to be, allowing the space for the messy to live. i want to have a little bit more boundaries on my processing time and keeping it strictly to monday and my daily check-in practice.
work : opening night of cinderella is this week! happy with how it turned out. and! check out my unfinished website alexbrookhouse.com!
purpose : this newsletter is bringing me closer to things quicker than i could do for myself. this has proven to be one of my favorite outlets.
events i have coming up :
a workshop with creative mornings on december 12th about building self trust through art exploration! no links until closer to the date but mark your calendars okay!
thank you so very much, you mean more to me than you know
-alex