Thank you so much for supporting me. This newsletter helps me understand myself better and is a large part of honing my message to make my purpose as widespread as possible. Please like, comment, share, subscribe, or give me feedback the next time we speak. Feedback is the only way I know how to make my message most effective.
I’d love to say, “I’m back!”…
…but the truth is, I don’t know. I like writing fine enough, and it’s fun when it’s fun, but I’m sick of writing and thinking about heavy shit. And honestly, I’m moving through my heavy shit at a rapid rate these days and don’t really feel like talking about it.
I’ve been having a lot of fun on TikTok, getting the creativity flowing and getting more comfortable with being more informative in my approach. 60 seconds or less requires me to really get my ideas straight.
I mostly came onto Stubstack again because I’m working on a particularly challenging writing project and wanted to get the rust off of these old gears.
I had an idea for a poem a couple of weeks ago maybe I could try doing that…
Does a tree get sad?
Is there separation anxiety when its leaves fall?
Do they get bored in the winter?
Is there fear of success when the buds bloom?
How about excitement in the summer?
Returning to nature is where I’m at
Releasing my barriers to allow life to flow
I never wanted to feel bad about how things go
It just happened, one day at a time
My bark grew with veins of insecurity, rage, and stress
Dead limbs falling with the gentle blow of the wind
I feel connected to trees
It seems we’re similar
Hosting life within, evolving by season
Growing and breaking ground
Reaching for the sky
I can look at a tree and truly see
The true nature of life
Still, quiet, slow
Embracing and allowing
Whatever is to come to goWell, that was nice! haahhahhah
I now believe that when I dwell on what I’m moving through, it gives it a power it doesn’t deserve. I’ve been resentful toward small talk, but not focusing my attention on anything small. I haven’t for some time. Maybe it’s time.
When I’m moving through things I feel so heavy. I know who I am, I know that the lightness wins in me and leads the way in how I present. That’s all fine but… to me, the weight is hard to hold. It’s so hard to hold that I’ve been looking at it and throwing it everywhere recently. It doesn’t feel like me to ignore it anymore, it doesn’t feel like me to talk about it anymore, and I’ve been at an impasse. I guess this is what one might call “Self-regulation” but old habits do die hard.
I think I’m spending too much time on me and not enough on the aspects of our culture I do like. So the way I’m presenting myself and my work must evolve, again.
A shrinking part of me thinks I have to be stagnant. I’ve talked in prior newsletters about trying to boil myself down or confining myself to a box. That part of me makes me resistant to shift and be nimble to what’s happening for me right now. I codependently anticipate that the people who follow me will be confused or I don’t know what really. Like people will be mad at my many facets? Mad that I have depth. Irritated that on any given day I could talk about 100 different interests of mine and the things I’ve learned from them.
I forget sometimes that I have interests outside of healing. I think writing this is a part of me wanting to express, telling myself “YOU’RE NOT JUST YOUR PAIN!” “You have so much to offer.” So maybe if I do continue to write, each one will be completely different. Bridging everything that fascinates me. And fuck ‘em if the viewers can’t keep up? Idk.
I wish I was someone who could be stagnant. I wish I wasn’t always changing, evolving, struggling, in pain, excited, and infatuated with the many colors of life. I wish I could have one thing I could talk about forever. It’s just really not me and in fact, it can’t be.
The hilarious thing is I don’t think anyone is expecting that of me either, it’s just one form of conditioning that comes and goes as it pleases. Like the stray cat I take care of. Sometimes she’s here, sometimes she’s not. To expect domestication from her would be to remove her essence.
Anyway, that’s a little snapshot of where I’ve been at in this healing stuff. I’ve been mostly quiet, finally enjoying the luxurious space I’ve created for myself. Learning to alchemize. To take what’s going on with me and use it to help others. It’s a fine balance. If I’m in my shit too much, I’m in my shit too much and unavailable to be of service.
Something like that happened last week. It didn’t feel good but I know I’m going to have a dance with that feeling again. Since it’s what’s ultimately going to be the thing that will allow me to help you, or whoever is seeking my help.
In other news:
I’m hosting monthly workshops at Innerspace in Des Moines now! I led 12 beautiful people in an exploration of trust two weeks ago. We did 4 random art activities and journaled to help us get closer to what’s holding us back so that we’re able to trust: life, god, ourselves, the unknown, the creative process, or whatever uncertainty of the moment. I’m so excited to be doing this in person and I look forward to taking on 1:1 clients in the new year. I plan on doing 2 virtual events in 2024, I’ll make sure to email you guys with the dates. Pinky swear.
I got to work with one of my dear friends, Rhett Baruch, with a book/catalog for his most recent gallery show: Keep Growing. You can buy a copy of it here.
I think that’s all for now. Maybe next week..or next time I’ll talk about stewed pears, winter projects, winter gardening, meditative walks, or holiday crafts. Who’s to say! Certainly not me.
Thank you, you mean more to me than you know.
Your loving servant,
Alex Brookhouse