I forgot that I'm not perfect
and thoughts on perfectionism
Thank you so much for supporting me. This newsletter helps me understand myself better and is a large part in me honing my message to make my purpose as widespread as possible. Please like, comment, share, subscribe, or give me feedback the next time we speak. Feedback is the only way I know how to make my message most effective.
Suggested listening…
(If you listen to the voiceover, you’ll hear me singing this ^^)
hahahahahahhahahahahaha
I forgot I’m not perfect hahahahahahha
Being imperfect is so humbling.
I can see now that I put on a familiar coat for my reemergence as this version of myself. Coming out of hiding requires protection, so I get it. I’m very quick to think that this little old brain of mine can do all the work.
Well the universe, and my trust in myself, have shown me otherwise.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been observing my habits and day-to-day life to see the full picture of where I’ve been at. Over those weeks I saw behaviours that were like rocks in my pocket, neither lifting me up nor weighing me down… too much.
I wrote a whole ass newsletter about this that is 100% complete but within this state I was unable to hit send. Expect it next week? Idk dude. Is that expectation for me or for you?
Simultaneously, in my public life, I’ve been unknowingly wearing this protective coat of perfectionism. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve very much leaned into a side of me that has been dormant. I had 2 public speaking engagements and hosted one of my Self Trust workshops for 75 lovely people. I’ve also been chummin it up on the tok, playing with what it means for me to have a voice and use it to impact my community positively.
I exert a lot of control over myself and had felt as though I perfected the public persona of Alex. She’s self-aware, she’s got the right answers, she doesn’t show her emotions inappropriately, she makes healthy decisions, she’s got an interesting perspective, she knows herself, she’s authentic, just the right amount of imperfect, and above all remains relatable.
It makes sense to me that I wore this coat. I’ve worn it before, it was familiar and honestly how I functioned for most of my 30 years.
Miley Cyrus said something in her Used to Be Young series on TikTok that resonated the other day but I didn’t understand what it meant for me. Now I get it. Being seen(which for me is being a public figure) requires the ego. The ego needs humbling and grounding, you can’t live there forever. Things get out of whack. This is me learning about this side of me, so I can maintain my humanity to better serve my community.
Perfectionism is one of the many guises of low self-esteem. Through my recent observations, I was collecting information that was hard to hold. I really didn’t like how I was continuing to handle my relationship with food, cleaning, isolation, and marijuana intake. Perfectionism was a familiar form I took publicly that was a reaction(reflection) to how low these habits made me feel.
I knew these habits would have their time. The time has come.
I’m so grateful for the foundation I have for moving through the sticky ickies. I didn’t have to even call in the troops, they were just there. To help and hold me through how dark and unlovable I felt from acting out. I am now taking responsibility for these things. I will not let them impact me from delivering my message and guiding others to the delivery of theirs.
We all have blind spots, that is what makes us human. My blind spots are my humility. I can choose to let them bring me down or I can choose to have them skyrocket me past versions of myself that I never knew existed. Making for a pretty fun and unexpected life! I want fun. I want the unexpected. My habits showed otherwise.
A bottom means there’s nowhere to go but up.
Thank you, you mean more to me than you know.
-Alex