i need space
i remembered i needed space a couple weeks ago when it was a particularly cold day, i was cutting it close for my commute to work and needed to let the car warm up. i needed more space.
i’m stressed about money a lot of my time. i need space to worry, i need space to take action.
a friend and i were talking about a perpetual conflict they were experiencing with a partner. they both needed space.
another friend’s body is speaking to them through pain. the body needs space.
there’s a fly that’s lived in my house since winter started, he sits on my shoulder whenever he can. he needs space to live, literally.
i tried writing this newsletter on space 3x. i needed space.
i’m learning that space is a commodity. space is something i naturally don’t give myself. when i get into cycles of scarcity, space is the first to get cut. things need space to grow, evolve. god lives in space. my E.G.O. (Edging God Out) loves to think i have control. that control loves instant gratification. that is a fantasy. everything worth it takes fucking time. that investment of time is what makes it worth it.
in the past, physical space was how my ego took control of the space i wasn’t willing to give myself. if i could rearrange the external pieces of my life, it was all good. it was in control, i was in control. for 10 years of my life, i did the mental dodging and weaving to manage physical space, understand it and create a framework for my intuitive design point of view. i have arrived at “perfecting” that particular skill, i can put it down and trust now that it’s second nature. i know my basic design principles from ignoring the fact that i need space. everything, every time, all phases, all trends need this function. everything has its time, even not giving time(which always turns into more of a time investment than wanted). if i would have dedicated time to thinking why i needed to arrange space in the 10 years i focused so heavily on it, i would have to face my trauma. i wasn’t ready. i needed the space.
i try to think in terms of how can i give myself an abundance of space, an abundance of time, and an abundance of freedom. i’ve been really loving literally scheduling everything in.
here’s a list of things i schedule for myself :
time to dissociate - yeeeelllooooo!!! it’s going to happen anyway, why fall victim to the shame of an all-consuming checkout? i play games on my phone(merge mayor is my jam rn), make a fire and watch the flames, watch seinfeld or something easy that won’t spike my nervous system, or stare into the distance.
visual evidence of a planned dissociation meditation - starting the day clear and checking in with anxiety so i know how to approach my day
scheduled creative time - different from dissociation in that this is energy positive/affirming rather than energy neutralizing. i schedule creative time to ramp my energy into doing an activity i don’t really want to do or to “treat” myself and give a mental break from having done the thing i don’t want to do.
checking in - i check in on where i’m at emotionally every day (i do this with a buddy, we both feel supported by this practice).
“theme” days - monday i process. i have a call scheduled in the morning where i can really sharpen and get tangible next steps on taking charge of my life. i spend the rest of the day thinking about what’s going on in my life and processing it. i’ve recently added a day to focus on money. i’m healing my relationship with money right now so making a conscious decision to look at it on a specific day releases the stress for me throughout the week. i can channel my stress in this area now. i tell myself “it’s okay you will look at money on wednesday you don’t have to worry right now”
playtime - most dysregulation for me stems from my inner child not getting air time. i’m now scheduling play time(once a month right now) to give her that space.
area’s i’d love to improve where i give myself space and hope to address in the future :
sexuality/exploration - something i want to remain curious about and actively step out of boxes i’ve created for myself.
night time - most nights i usually dissociate to fall asleep. sometimes i’m good at having a routine here so i know i can do it, it’s just hard.
specific trauma attention - no more clarification needed here.
body movement - i work an active job where i’m doing like 10k steps in a shift AND i love to lay. those two things really get in my way of having a conscious practice to connect with my body.
ALL OF THAT TO SAY - my goal is still to let myself be. scheduling this time allows me to be present and manage my time in a way i’m proud of overall, in order to be. all of these areas are screaming for space. if i don’t give it, my life gets out of balance, i spin out and i can’t be. space, pause, breath, intention, and ease are all interchangeable terms in this space conversation we’re having. i’m learning to live low, slow, and intentionally. modern society isn’t about that, i’m learning as i go. i am my own model.
what i’m working on this week :
personally : my relationship with money has been hollering at me for 3 years, and i’m ready to take it on. i’m ready to transcend generational scarcity into wealth.
work : i’m taking on freelance copywriting work so if you know anyone who’s looking for a copywriter send them my way! i specialize in seo content/blogging, product copy(product descriptions, website copy, etc), and press releases.
purpose : feels lame to say i think i’m on the right path every week. but whatever! i am! i’m killing at it, getting closer and sharper every day.
events i have coming up :
a workshop with creative mornings on december 12th about building self trust through art exploration! no links until closer to the date but mark your calendars okay!
thank you so very much, you mean more to me than you know
-alex