I traded creativity for neurosis
10/10 wouldn't reccomend
Things I know about a creative practice:
It transmutes energy, transforming the internal into the external
Releases energy
Confidence in capability
Connects me to God
Shows me where I’m at, which oftentimes is deeply uncomfortable
Creativity is a forward movement. It combines mind, body, and soul and actualizes our internal worlds.
What if the internal world gets stuck in the mind? That is neuroses. Which for me comes out in low self esteem, depression, adhd, attention seeking behaviour, the feeling of being owed, victimhood, over use of marijuana, and black and white thinking. Among so many more I have yet to see or grasp.
What if the internal world gets stuck in the body? That is disease. In my experience, sexual repression came out as chronic yeast, bacterial, herpes flareups and sexually transmitted infections. Stress repression comes out as tight muscles, decreased elasticity in my joints, and tummy troubles. Honesty repression comes out as compulsive eating, both binging and restricting depending on the flavor of dishonesty. When I focus on what’s happening to my body, it leads me to neurosis.
What if the internal world gets stuck in the soul? That is inauthenticity, repression of self, and disconnection to the god of my understanding. I get too attached to the physical realm and pressure to perform comes in. Which leads to neurosis.
Neurosis is everywhere and easy to dip in to. I think our society leads us to neurosis which leads us to an over identification to those expressions that results in us responding to them vs listening to them. Society wants us in response more than it wants us in listening. Lots of things can happen in response, not much in listening. But I digress… I’ll speak only of me.
In recent times I’ve been exploring a lot of my internal world which, due to the nature of the inquiries I was making, lead me to getting stuck in my head. When I’m in there, nothing is going to go smoothly. I know that my head thinks lots of things are dangerous that are not actually dangerous.
I had an anxiety attack going to a pool party bc I wasn’t sure if I liked the people attending or if they would like me. If a pool party with friends can send me into a spiral, this old brain of mine…she isn’t always right.
I’ve been living in and entertaining neurosis for quite some time. It’s lead to one of my larger creative dry spells, spanning years at this point.
I say this and I also want to acknowledge that my creativity is changing. A lot of my creative persona was a front of perfectionism and inauthenticity. The life I lived as a creative person was HIGHLY managed and considered. It’s been complicated for me to experience this shift.
I am gathering that the shift is going from being creative physically(art, curation, home design, design generally) to being creative in my thought. In the process of rewiring my brain, which has been an arduous journey of 4.5 years now(things take the time they take), the physical world means less and less to me. Where I’m finding true creativity is though intimacy in relationships with others and myself.
I’ve been trading my physical art practice to one that is more nuanced. Physical art for me is a snapshot in time. A snapshot to my particular set of patterns and characteristics. Which historically meant “show the most perfect representation of nuance.” I was obsessed with making my paintings look mildly undone, an intention of undoneness! The perfect color story, the perfect way the shapes interacted, a perfectly placed smudge.
Maybe the neurosis was always there. HAHA! Maybe I was able to “maintain the facade” before(we all know I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here if it really worked). I am simply unwilling and unable to put myself through that distress any longer.
Every time I write here I think “I really like doing this, I should do it more.” What is holding me back from that? The fact that not every update is going to be neat. Or tied up in a bow. I have this internal pressure to deliver a package. While that package was always very heavy, recently I’ve been able to feel its full weight.
This makes me want to proclaim a new intention to be consistent here. I know I can’t do consistent. Consistent is what got me here. Creativity isn’t consistent. Managed and hyper vigilant creativity certainly could be. I’m no longer doing that. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to force feed myself my own creative practice. I don’t want deadlines on something meant for me and no one else. Fuck that.
I get to embrace myself now. I get to embrace the messiness. I get to be someone who has the innate desire to show that to whoever wants to see it. I’m always going to want to share what I’ve learned, what I see, there is nothing wrong with that part of me. (This is ammo for the creativity squasher that lives in my head)
I have at least 10 unpublished newsletters on topics that interest me, or interested me in the moment. I don’t have to post them, I don’t have to do anything with them but it does give me a window into my creative process.
I love to start things, my favorite part is the start. Seeing things through I need help with. Seeing it through means I have to let someone in to help me with it. Sometimes letting someone in is simply saying “I have something to say” “I have an opinion here.” Finding the confidence to say my opinion is actually pretty hard to do.
My opinion on my creative process over the years has shifted many times, I easily navigated different industries and mediums throughout my creative life. Which means, theoretically, I can easily navigate moving from curated snapshots to nuance and mess. I’ve done it before, I can do it again. It’s just a little hard bc this time, it means I have to be the most me that I am in that moment and to be okay with sharing it. Not managing the mess, being the mess.
My whole life I wanted to be a public figure. I don’t think I need to know what it means by sharing my thoughts. If it leads me there, so be it. If it leads me to having a wonderful mailing list of 44 people who look at and value what I have to say, that is worthwhile. But first, we must navigate how I feel of my worth in that.
The creativity itself has nothing to do with how I feel about it. They are heavily over coupled for me. How I feel about it means nothing to the creation of the art itself. How I feel about it is neurosis. I’ve been living in how I feel about it. I guess I always have. And what I felt about it was directly contingent to how you received it. So I made sure to only produce what I knew you would like, and I still missed the mark every time. Per my neurosis of course.
Of course I’m going to have trouble sharing my thought creativity. I needed your approval. I don’t think I need it as much now. I know I definitely do, there is no doubt about that. Simply though my behaviour I can see that. Every story on instagram, every newsletter, and every tiktok gets reviewed 10, 15 times over. Maybe I’ll read this one once maybe I’ll read it twice. Being honest with myself and I think also with my audience is the road to feeling creatively fulfilled.
I’m finding strength in the uncharted. We all live uncharted. We all are breaking free of the boxes and confines society and our selves have put us in. We all are confused and fumbling about life. We all don’t have to be consistent, we can be welcomed in our inconsistency for simply showing up. For making a start. We can carry the weight of the pressures we put on ourselves together.
We no longer have to do it alone. That’s the beauty of where we are in society right now. Voice to the voiceless and individualism, none of us know how to navigate it. How can I be the most individual individual today? How can I support myself in that? How can I support you in that? By sharing my thought creativity, by having the desire to show people that another way can be done. And I’m doing that. Slowly, my worth is building a house on that foundation.
I genuinely appreciate the support I have here. I see the responsibility I have to myself and the people who WANT TO HEAR FROM ME. It’s just sometimes hard to embrace. I’m grateful everyday for the life I’ve given myself. I’m grateful that I can start my process of coming out of isolation on this platform. I’m grateful that you care about me. I certainly care about you.
Thank you -
Alex
TU for this. Being open and sharing your thoughts. I feel a lot like this sometimes. It’s refreshing to know, I’m not alone.