It wasn't in my plan

Modern loneliness and learning acceptance

It wasn’t in my plan to be unwed at 33. It’s sounds old fashioned to say unwed but it’s true. My plan was that I was going to, at some point before I turned 30, be straight, married to a man, have a baby or two, and be a successful artist. I planned to be in a major city living this beautiful life with my beautiful family and friends by my side.

Unfortunately (and fortunately - we’ll get there!) my life hasn’t shaped up to be that. At all. Having been single most of my life, “finding out” I’m queer in my late 20s and a drastic random move to the Midwest have made my life full of possibilities I never thought I had before.

I looked at my life envisioning the white picket fence that we all were sold, I clung to it, it was my reprieve. A fantasy that I could snuggle into when times got hard. How was I to know that times are often hard? How do I release myself from a prophesy that wasn’t mine?

There’s a particular sadness and grief that comes up when we have to let go of these notions, goals, and ideas. The grief of a life unlived, unfulfilled. A ghost of perceived potential. It’s hard to not feel like I failed somehow.

I don’t want to spend every day alone. I’m 3 years in and the loneliness of not finding my place here(spoiler alert it’s not just here), weighs on me. I feel like I should have something to show for living here. The reality is I’m very much still getting back on my feet. I decimated my former life, former self, and am rebuilding one. I call it updating the system. Delete all the clutter, inventory what’s left, update the programs, empty the trash can, download more.

When does independence end and isolation begin?

If you’re on tiktok for 10 minutes you’ll know that they say there’s a male loneliness epidemic. I don’t think it’s gendered. I think as a society we’ve lost sight of how to relate to one another and to hold ourselves to a moral standard in relationship. I’ve been ghosted by 90% of the people I date, it’s not gendered. I’ve lost most of my closest male friends because of their significant others. I’ve lost friends to babies, jobs, and distance.

I want to live my life as much as possible no matter the circumstances. It’s a nice intention but mustering the energy to go anyway is a whole other story. I get depressed every time I do something that I want to do with someone, alone. It’s hard to enjoy music and events when everyone else is paired off. It’s hard not to compare.

I don’t want to get down over these things. After all it mostly is just life. But it hits harder when in isolation. When a text from a friend asking how I am is my lifeblood for the week. When I look forward to my weekly OA meeting for the amazing hugs. The only physical touch I receive.

There’s a lot of burden to being isolated. Any task has the potential to be a multi week anxiety because of lack of energy or resources to get it done. I have resentment for the energy leach my two jobs are to me. I’m about to start another, one that will help me connect more here and I’m scared. I’m scared of less time, I’m scared to start the process of meeting new people again.

I feel unrelatable in Des Moines, while I can so easily relate to others. First off, I chose to be here(most people feel trapped here). Secondarily, I didn’t move here because I have family, friends or community here. There’s no one to fall on for anything. If I need help building or lifting something, there is no one to call. Third, I’ve lived the life that a lot of people in the Midwest dream of. More often than not, I feel objectified vs heard. I get a lot of projections placed on me.

I know none of that is me or on me and all stories I’m telling myself. It mostly makes it really obvious who is worth my investment. It is few and far between, but there are some. I’m grateful for those few. I find for me in Des Moines it’s easiest to make friends with people double my age. Maybe it’s the 50 different lives I’ve lived that allows us to relate, maybe I miss my grandma and my parents.

It doesn’t mean that it won’t ever happen, happily ever after. But, I am severely limiting myself pointing toward a narrow vision of it. I’m finding my way, and my way takes time. I moved here to bet on myself, a gamble I know I’ll win.

This year has been a big one of acceptance - or learning to accept, rather. Accept that the narrow vision I had for myself wasn’t meant for me to begin with(and that’s probably why it didn’t happen). That another, far more magical, way is revealing itself to me. A hope I hold onto for dear life. In the meantime, I don’t want to be the master of my own pain. I don’t want to isolate, no matter how easy it is.

When I say alone I mean physically alone. I’m not alone, ever really. I have a God of my own understanding that is with me always, friends around the world that I speak with regularly, and sponsee’s who I guide on a weekly basis. I go to work and socialize with work friends, too. My schedule is very full actually.

It’s awkward talking about loneliness. It feels ungrateful and like I’m critiquing the quality of my existing, very strong relationships. Those relationships aren’t physically here, however. I miss my friends. I miss my brothers. I miss my parents.

I want to reframe and bypass and ignore the fact that I’m struggling with where I’m at. The flip of that same coin is, I’m the most capable and regulated and self sufficient I’ve ever been. So I know this sensation will go eventually, I know my external circumstances will shift alongside my internal. I know I’ll be okay. It just sucks sometimes, ya know?

Thanks for listening,

Alex (: