okay okay right at the top, we’re going to get down to business. i made it an option to donate to this newsletter. look, i’m going to be real. i don’t have the energy to put out exclusive content behind the paywall. you’re not going to get anything special for contributing other than, you know, my undying gratitude. now that’s not to say that i won’t ever put out exclusive content to paid subscribers. i just don’t know when that’ll be. if you like what i’m doing and want to give me a little something for it, i’d be most appreciative. $8 a month, $80 for a year, $240 as a founding member, or a one-time donation between $80-240. click the button below! thank you.
back to regularly scheduled musings.
i’ve been trying to shift my perspective on things that i inherently want to shame myself about. mostly around my growth trajectory. i’m training.
there’s fact to us perpetuating the environment of which we were raised. traumatic or not. happy or not. we are patterned beings that learn from the patterns during our development and seek or replicate those same patterns until we die.
what if we don’t like the system we were programmed in?
that’s where training comes in. peace is a practice, being grounded is a practice, and not being reactive is a practice. i think that’s what manifestation gurus mean. i wish they were more explicit in saying how much awareness and control it takes to “think positively.” first off, that’s bypass. we’re not about bypass. it’s not that simple. it requires diligent work.
my brain reacts in the way it always reacts until i am aware that a change needs to be made. it takes time, practice, and patience to get to a point to be able to see it. but boy once it’s seen for what it is, there’s no hiding it. i’ve made the choice to be aware of what my brain does so that i can actively retrain the reaction. my life wasn’t going so hot before, why not try this way.
this is literally, rewiring the brain. this gives me solace. thoughts like “man what a grove that neuron had to have had to slip back into old patterns like that” makes me feel like i’m giving myself a break. i’m changing the way my body was wired. it really eases the pressure to perform.
there are people who simply function at a healthy level. most of this is generational but it gives me hope. hope that maybe right now, alone in my house with the sound of the modem, cat snoozles, and tinnitus to keep me company, i’m investing in the health of my future family and generations on. if this is the impact i have, i think i will be okay with that. i don’t need fame or recognition in the way i thought i did. i’m training these thoughts as well.
the times we live in make it really hard to be patient. everything is so accessible. it makes me forget that what happens in real life, to make real change, takes time.
i guess that’s what all my thoughts center around these days. the art of reconnecting with self. this is my current point of expansion. slowing down, listening, grace, patience, comfort, hypervigilance, burning out, and breathing are all parts of it. i guess i’m learning to lean into all the parts and release expectations. i guess i’m in the process and sometimes when things are in-process i can’t see the blue sky. thinking about choosing the life i want as training really helps me to see that blue sky. a totem to guide me through the fog.
what i’m working on this week :
personally : feeling very good with the work i’m doing about money and earning. i’m proud of myself for making it an option to pay for this newsletter. my art, in all its forms, matters.
art : i want to make a point to make something other than food for myself. i feel best when i’m making and in the winter season any amount of feeling my best i must seize.
work : in the pursuit of full-time work. keep me in mind for any marketing or marketing copywriting positions!
purpose : i changed the format of my to-be list. last week the list was so long that i only got halfway through wednesday when the page ran out. i got discouraged and didn’t look at the list ever. this week i broke it down into categories of items i’d like to do at some point within the week. feels better this way and have already started marking things off!
events i have coming up :
scheduling the next Self Trust workshop!
thank you so very much, you mean more to me than you know
-alex