i’ve been covered in a shroud of comfort this year. everything is new and the same. this year, i’ve been so aware of where my energy is going and where it is coming.
i started my journey to the midwest this past january. i stayed with a friend in northern california for a bit then made my way to iowa. i briefly resided at a family friend’s in the literal middle of nowhere. far more isolated than i had imagined and it shocked me.
the day i got to carson, ia it was superbowl sunday(can i say that? it was big game day don’t sue me! and there was no one around. i hadn’t eaten and assumed i would go to the grocery store and find something to hold me over until i could get into town which was a 30-minute drive through rolling farmland. nothing was open. nothing was there. i was alone. i walked into a bar and bob seger’s song ‘turn the page’ came to mind…
on a dark and lonesome highway east of omaha (carson is 30 miles east of omaha) ...... well you walk into a restaurant strung out from the road you can feel the eyes upon you as you shake off the cold you pretend it doesn't bother you but you just want to explode most times you can't hear them talk other times you can all the same old cliches is it woman, is it man and you always seem outnumbered so you don't dare make a stand (that was by memory so if it's botched fuck off)
that’s what it felt like. i drove up in my cutie, little green fiat with california plates and walked into the most judgmental situation i’ve ever experienced. i didn’t feel welcome, i felt completely alone. i was so shocked by this newness that from that moment on i made it a point to surround myself in comfort.
everything for the past year has been new. it seems silly, my new is literally most of america’s normal. but slowing down and getting a sense of this place was new. i was addicted to the fast-paced life of living in cities. at 17 i moved to los angeles for a bit then lived in new york for a few years and came back to la. 13 years of my life was running. running from myself, running on fumes, running toward another identity, running to the next job, running into another’s arms.
driving down the road became exhaustingly stimulating. i love seeking and looking for beauty everywhere but this function turned completely mechanical. every moment stepped outside was dedicated to absorbing this new life. it became exhausting. so i stuck to what i knew in what i could control.
i’ve watched seinfeld, lucifer, the magicians, grace and frankie and new girl all the way through multiple times this year. i’ve not watched anything new. this has actually been really great for me! it has made me more conscious of what i’m willing and unwilling to stimulate my nervous system with.
i’ve only listened to classic rock radio and a playlist of my favorite songs(see below). i grew up listening to classic rock with my parents and there’s a big familial comfort to singing all the words to those songs.
i did read a lot of new books this year, books that stimulated and inspired my inner artist when she wasn’t being utilized.
i stopped listening to podcasts.
i stopped making art.
i stopped cooking and stuck to the comfort of automated eating.
i stopped doing yoga.
i took a lot of baths.
i got an easy job where there’s a script.
all of this is to say that i’ve been super aware of what newness i’m creating for myself. since moving into my home, i’ve made art, painted, cooked from scratch, tended to the yard and slowly embraced this new space. my stuff still isn’t here but it’s feeling like home.
maybe the feeling of home sensation is a good sign to change things up. i don’t think anything will shock me like walking into that bar and feeling so separate from everyone there. they didn’t have any food, by the way, they were doing a potluck which felt so midwestern but i definitely was not comfortable partaking. i bet i got a frozen pizza from a gas station or something.
i think my inner child needed to see me write this. nothing will be like my experience in carson. i take care of myself in des moines. i’m part of the community here. i have friends here. i have jobs here. i’m learning to ground, i’m learning to slow down, i’m learning.
what i’m working on this week :
personally : fell into the hole of fear after a very intimate moment with a friend. i didn’t feel like i deserved it so i got scared and avoided my life for a couple of days.
work : i’ve been avoiding applying for work to get me out of my current financial situation. i finally got out of the fear hole and did it! yay me! if you know of any copywriting jobs you think might be good for me lmk!
purpose : feeling like february is when a lot of this stuff is going to come together for me. energy is shifting and what seems far off is feeling closer than ever.
events i have coming up :
a workshop with creative mornings on december 12th about building self trust through art exploration! it’s live! you can sign up, and please do.
friend share :
one of my dear friends, becka olson (aka becka.dots), hosts a monthly literary open mic in brooklyn. she started self-publishing a zine that compiles the art expressed in her open mics. please support her in any way you can. pre-sale of issue 2 is happening now.
thank you so very much, you mean more to me than you know
-alex