Taking time
and none at all
Hi everyone!
First, I want to share that I’m teaching weekly Art Meditation Classes at Inner Space Wellbeing Social Club in Des Moines on Thursdays at 5:30! I’d love to see you there. You can sign up for my class and all of Inner Space’s other beautiful offerings in the link below.
In this class, I will guide you through a meditation to ground and bring you to the present moment. We will then feel around and contextualize what we’re feeling through expressive arts. The bulk of the class is spent meditating on one piece of art, where I provide gentle prompts to bring your awareness to your internal dialogue and landscape. We have opportunities for sharing along the way, too. It’s so fun making art alongside others, and no artistic experience is necessary. Please bring paper and a medium of your choice.
See you there!
Okay, back to our not-so-regularly scheduled programming.
Time
It’s been a long time. I’ve been waiting patiently for the time. I’m frustrated that I don’t have enough time. I’m exhausted and want to take control and extract time that doesn’t exist from places that don’t generate space.
Work and life have gotten busy. As we know, the first thing to go is creativity. I use all my creative thinking to manipulate my schedule into something that works(-ish) for me. I need to plan rest, plan time with friends physically, plan time with friends virtually, plan my work schedule, plan my fun schedule…plan plan plan.
I’ve been starting every day saying, “Today is the day.” I’ve wanted to write for weeks now, no plan and no real inspiration to do so. When the time comes that I have moments of calm, the exhaustion of the past couple of weeks catches up. I’m very generous with myself in the time I need to recharge, so this is where my relationship with my God gets tested. Will God give me the space to connect to a vital part of who I am? Are we in a celestial game of cat and mouse?
I could carve out time and force myself to write, sure, but that’s not how it works for me. My creativity is inconsistent. I believe creativity is an infinite source, but tasks can be energy leeches. Creative debt. To get myself to a place where I feel free enough to express or work on longstanding projects requires so many steps.
My “super busy” schedule (I’d say my schedule is always busy, generally at this point), zaps creation energy right out of me. I’m creating into the void of bills, mental sanity, and devoid (corporate) creativity. I had about 6 weeks where I was doing a very big project at my full-time job, picking up extra shifts at the restaurant I work at, starting to exercise, having weekly hour-long conversations with my sponsees, maintaining my recovery schedule, and starting a new routine of weekly art classes.
My home life bears the brunt of the fullness of life. I become even more inconsistent with keeping the dishes clean, laundry piles up, my plants need pruned, watered, and preserved, I eat the same meal 2x a day, and I don’t clean…at all. I’m proud that I maintain what I can, I’m proud I am showering, and I’m grateful that I have the capacity to do everything listed in the paragraph above.
I got a bit burnt out, as anyone would. So I gifted myself a long 4-day weekend to recenter. I scheduled that so much that it wasn’t restful at all. I was not recharged; I needed more time.
As fate would have it, my schedule worked out that I had two long weekends in a row. I actually had Labor Day off. For a retail worker, this is gold. I tried my hardest to rest, with a secret plan to make art at some point. Busy is a hard habit to break.
Creative Debt needs to be cleared in order to create. I cannot outpour energy without inpouring. I need a clean home, I need tons of rest, I need my chores done, I need to maintain my usual schedule, I have to stretch, and I must sit outside on the hammock with my cat.
I had some time with Pep last night. His broken and sharp ass claws making biscuits on my belly as we sway in the wind. The recharging ritual complete.
I usually have a burning desire for specific topics to write about; today, there was a small whisper of desire. I happened to have a free hour to write, so Today Was the Day. I typically like to write when the scales tip into an abundance of words, thoughts, and ideas. Today, the scales were even; all I needed to do was sit down and do it.
I didn’t write anything that I felt was groundbreaking today. That’s okay. We can’t always hit home runs, but we can clear a couple of bases. Everything has its place. Today, my place is with my laptop, 9 hours of sleep, and a full heart.
I love you all, thank you for reading.
love