The End of an Era
I'm back baby
I am hosting a monthly virtual art exploration workshop for all my worldly friends! They will be the last Saturday of every month starting April 27th 11a CDT.
One of the strangest parts of ending my Healing Era is that unlike my Hoe, Childhood, and Burnout Eras, I know that the healing will continue. I also know that there are parts of this 4 year span that I absolutely must put down in order to begin whatever this next phase is.
I simply must put down the compulsion of perfectionism.
Through my Healing Era, I recognized, examined, and combed through areas of my life that were previously unobserved. I cultivated the skill of self-observation. Do you know how hard it is to simply see what is going on in your life, how it got here, how you want it to be different…and just let it be, with no action? Lol I’m sure you do.
I learned early on that the information that I was uncovering about myself was covered for a reason. I, previously, could not handle the information. The ways I reacted to avoiding it were veeeery similar to how I was reacting to it being uncovered. Of course it would happen, coping is coping is coping.
I’m so grateful that I put myself in a position where I could take 4 years off of my life. Where I could see what was going on for what was going on and proceed further.
I have this perspective now, after I have let go of doing anything with the information I see. The gift I have from this is time. I am in no rush. I no longer make all of my decisions under duress. My definition of under duress is nuanced now. Now I know that sometimes, okay fine most of the time, I create my own duress.
I see how people I work with act and I get scared, I convince myself I’m on a sinking ship and I must jump. That jump oftentimes is into the hands of another thing I have to mold myself to. It’s an entirely unsustainable pattern if I’m looking to have any success in life. If I’m looking to really, truly, harness my potential. And boy am I ready to shine baby.
I’ve waited 32 years to allow myself to be. In fact, my New Year resolution for 2022 was to let myself be. It took me two years to accomplish. These things take the time they take.
I’ve waited 32 years to have a semblance of the confidence that people see in me, and I presume it will take me 32 more to fully step into my light. I’m ready for the journey.
We all get thrust into this life. Some of us are given tools to navigate it in healthy ways, but most of us are not. This is worked into evolution. I, today, am part of evolution. I see my responsibility to humanity by doing my little healing act of rebellion.
What a beautiful moment in history for me to be: single, 30-something, a woman, a waitress, and have no children. I relish in my expanse as much as I can for those things, I know that where I’m going means I’ll be putting different labels on my life. Married, mother, entrepreneur, herself.
I see that how I take on the transition I’m in, the habits I instate, and my general openness are setting the groundwork for what’s to come.
I see all of this now because I can handle it. I couldn’t before. By continuing how I was before all of my desires would have been accomplished under duress. Now I get to do all of these things I’ve been dreaming about my whole life with ease(which to me is time and choice). Thank God.
Years 1 and 2 were the hardest for me. Not only did they fall in cohort with a global pandemic, I experienced home insecurity not once but twice in those two years. I lost 3 jobs in those two years. I was living on friends’ couches and hotel rooms with my cat, in complete and utter despair. He got me through that time, I believe that was his purpose for me.
It breaks my heart he can’t see me shine, but I know he’s here. I have a new cat friend who sits next to me as I type this, it’s nice. It’s not the same. The pain and the joy of losing my sweet boy are what I get to carry with me now. The loss of him over 3 months ago shows me I can handle hard things and still see the light of my life. Yet another blessing I bring with me in the next phase.
The Healing Era gave many gifts. It also brought me further into the darkness. There comes a point when perfectionism and self-inquiry meet, I reached it. Perfectionism robs us of allowing ourselves to be. I was pulling at the threads of my life and no longer examining and back tracking the torn seams, I was picking apart the parts that were wonderfully sufficient. Inherently the compulsion blinded me to the beauty, and I agitated some of that as well. When you’re so close you can’t see the big picture.
A note on perfectionism: perfectionism is a low self esteem pattern. The need for anything to be perfect indicates unmet needs of self worth. Internalizing that I had low self esteem was a major, major turning point for me. All my behaviour indicated I didn’t value myself and needing everything to be perfect was the window to changing that for me. The amount of time I wasted on the perfect moodboard for clients or wonderfully curated social content will never come back to me. Just fucking hit send and stop second guessing your innate instinct. Anyway, I digress.
I think the hardest part for me is moving my point of focus away from myself. It’s a funny little conundrum. I was looking at myself because the avoidance of myself made me act crazy self-centered and manipulative, then self-inquiry fed into the same need of self-centeredness. That’s what I mean by coping is coping is coping.
It is truly unchartered territory moving into a life of service, if that’s what you wanna call it. Changing my life to teeter on the balance of acknowledging my needs, satisfying them to a degree where I’m not coping through service, and completely primed and available to help. It’s a hard one. I may even end up using service to be self-centered again, who knows! It’s a risk I’m willing to take. If what I was doing before wasn’t working for me then Alex 2.0 might not either. I’ll cross that bridge if necessary. I’m sure I’m currently getting myself into a mess that future me will clean up. I trust her. She’s got this.
Again, this leads me to I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I’M DOING. The best part is I never have and I never will but that certainly will not stop me from fucking going for it.
What will the name of this era be? Is it wife, mother, entrepreneur? I couldn’t pretend to know. We’re just going to have to find out.
Thank you, you mean more to me than you know.
-Alex