the first time is the hardest?
idk, i have a lot to say. we'll see.
this is the view from writing this, sitting on the floor of my empty home sparse, minimal, sad and happy.
are newsletters the new christmas card?
every year my mom sends out a christmas letter along with photos of the family. this letter is usually the broadest of strokes to the year prior in the sunshiney-est way. imagine lots of CAPS and multiple underlines. emphasis to draw attention from the real, roughness of life. I’M GOING TO SAY IT. life is rough. and for one to five good things to happen a year feels like a lot of pressure. a lot to keep up with and maintain for next year’s update. i’m going to try, with boundaries, to be as transparent with my process as possible. i know my perspective is useful to others and the more honest i am in my delivery the best everyone feels.
areas that have helped me feel more like me:
human design has played a big part in me realizing parts of myself that once isolated me in ‘being different’ into that which is my divine purpose. i’m a projector, 3/5 personality type(the great life experimenter), non-specific manifestor, with a life theme of stepping into the lead role when i get invited to. if you don’t know human design all those words probably make zero sense. it’s all very complicated and more in depth. BUT what i have gathered from HD is that my conditioning had me think i was so different from people that i isolated myself, internally and externally, when in reality that’s what i bring to the table of community. what i have to say is based off of observations, stories i collect and what i find fascinating. so cool!
another thing that has helped me uncover myself has been investigating codependence and how it plays out in my life. if you think that codependence is a problem for you i would love to talk to you about it, share my experience and tools that have helped me. this newsletter is not the platform for talking about my flavor of codependence, but i’m very open to talking to anyone about it.
dealing with and understanding my anxiety. i went on meds last year and the biggest thing they gave me was being able to see what life could be like with out anxiety. they gave me the confidence to explore why i cope with anxiety in an actionable way. for me, it’s my inner child screaming at me that she doesn’t feel safe. lots of pent up anger involved there too. i am now off of them bc the side effects were more detrimental to my mental health than facing the anxiety. i gained a bunch of weight and i was forced to face body image stuff that i wasn’t and still am not ready for.
building self trust and giving myself opportunities to feel proud of myself and hold my own hand through experiencing. i can actually do things in a healthy way for myself now.
so all of that to say what i see and think matters and in the past i’ve isolated and tried to be an instagram influencer to shine my light. when in reality those are the dimmest versions of myself, i am so vibrant. i’m here to share it. we need it. we all have to share our vibrance eventually. now more than ever. speaking of…here’s a poem i wrote the other day
a million poems about fall, so here’s another one.
still yet rustling to change
my mind fools itself
edges kissed with vibrance
slowly decomposing
a land sea of color
i want to preserve
it's not here to stay
neither am i
transitioning into a better version
maybe?
evolving for sure
moving in some direction definitely
trust in the air, they transition together
i tell myself, alone
maybe it's time for my environment to change me
maybe it's time to open up
maybe my surroundings are safe enough to trust now
i won't know until i shed and become bare
exposed authenticitylook i’m not a writer okay, these things pop into my head and i am now forced to trust the outcome. that’s art babyyy! i think this poem is pretty good, as poems go, and an accurate depiction of where i’m at physically and emotionally.
des moines in the fall has been a true pleasure to experience. my first fall in 8 years! at least i think it’s 8 years, its hard to keep track and sometimes i like to amplify the timespan for dramatic effect, so 8 years it is! i’m from pennsylvania where fall lasts all of 4 minutes. it’s hot as hell, a hurricane comes through, one week of true fall weather and then it’s winter. in the midwest the seasons are in extreme which is scary coming from california. but i neglected to think that the transition seasons are in extreme too. fall has been happening for at least a month and a half. the trees are slowly transitioning and so am i. for the first time in my life, i get the hype. i’m not about to go buy everything pumpkin spice or whatever (we’ll work ourselves up to this but thoughts on scents/flavorings to follow when i work up to truly letting my crazy out with ya), but i get it.
this is my first newsletter so i don’t want it to go toooo long but i do want goal setting to be a huge part of this newsletter. keeping honest and transparent. i have lots of thoughts but nothing is “figured out”. i know i can come off that way and even try to come off that way sometimes. i hate that this theme with myself can cause the isolation vibe i can get in, i’m trying to break free. being the creator of my own pain is no longer the vibe. the only way to combat it for myself is with transparency and honesty.
what i’m working on:
emotionally : allowing myself to just be(i’ve been addicted to self improvement all my life) and taking a more objective observation role in how i view my self.
in life : efficiency in my day to day life. i was spending a lot of time processing so now i’m playing with a new schedule where i let myself think about all life’s hardships only on monday’s to free up my time for more productive, life-positive activities throughout the week.
work : i’m working toward a financial goal so most of my life is centered around work right now. i don’t see my work changing until the beginning of the year where i hope to work for a company in an industry that aligns me closer to my 10 year goal of having a farm/art park hybrid merging art and sustainability to public resources.
what events i have coming up:
i’m hosting a wokshop on building self trust through art exploration through creative mornings, the next one is on december 12th so mark your calendars and more info to follow.
okay, i think that’s all i have to say today. its been sweet talking at ya!
-alex
Loveee the authenticity and vulnerability! Also you’re a great poet and you don’t even know it! Lol or maybe you do? But either way i want to read more!!
That’s art babyyy!