The Tony Robbins Effect
and unsolicited advice
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Two newsies back to back?! I suppose writing about how I have so much to write about got me thinking…
Back to basics, what theme is present here? What am I being called to articulate? Unsolicited advice, advice in general.
See I have a bunch of drafts of topics I would really care to talk about on here. But, I know it does not feel good to write about anything unless it’s present for me. That it’s the quickest way for me to sell unsolicited advice… and everyone hates that!
Talking about something publicly makes things different. I’m okay with workshopping ideas that are half-baked with my trusted advisors and I’m even okay with workshopping them through the newsletter. The problem occurs when I’m forcing it. When I force it, ego is here and ego is what we consume all day, every damn day.
This form of ego, which I believe to be Toxic Masculine energy(that resides in us all), has everything wrapped up in a bow. This form of ego has answers to things under the guise of helping. This form of ego is the Tony Robbins Effect.
Everyone is an expert, professional, guru, or authority in something. Whatever that thing is for you is a very valuable asset to society at large. I truly believe that. The way that it’s delivered I have a huge problem with.
I got a targeted ad for a webinar hosted by Matthew McConaughey. I was curious about what he, a 50-year-old cis male celebrity, could offer to the everyday American. I then looked further into what it was all about. He claimed to be selling a course on ‘The Art of Livin’.’ The moment I saw that Tony Robbins was a part of this, all desire to attend went away. I know what I’m getting from TR: rahrah bullshit that uses emotional bypass to make positive change. I have since received 1-2 moderately shame-y promo emails A DAY since the event. I have unsubscribed twice. Toxic Masculine energy.
Aparently I wasn’t missing much.
The book ‘The Secret’ had its hold on me for idk at least 5 years, probably more. The book dotes on this oversimplification of how energy actually works. Like attracts like. The steps the book ushers the reader to engage with are essentially reframing grammar from negative to positive in various contexts. So instead of “I’m broke” say “I am abundant.” Typing that I laughed out loud at how absurd it is. While I totally agree that if I focus on being broke or whatever I’m going to perpetuate brokenness in my life. But like, you can’t tell people to speak positively if they don’t believe it and no amount of bypass is going to make abundance happen. Energy, from my understanding, doesn’t work like that. In fact, from my experience, doing this pushes what you want to attract into your life further away from you.
They also focus so heavily on getting good parking spots from practicing these things that it makes me crinnnnge. Hahaha! Anyone who has ever read The Secret talks about getting good parking spots, it’s hilarious to me. If I’m generally living in the energy of the life I’m creating for myself: do I really give a fuck about parking spots? Furthermore, if that’s the energy I’m embodying then good parking spots would be a byproduct of this awesome life I’m living, not the goal. There’s a bunch of reddits of people talking about the circumstance of the parking spot that they manifested.
I was reminded by someone close to me that unsolicited advice is actually just criticism. You think you know better than them so you’re advising them on their ‘problem’ when advice was not requested. I’ve been noticing how critical I can be. When things don’t go the way I think they should, I complain hard. This is usually with work stuff. I’m really quick to see how things could function more seamlessly. Which is a huge gift of mine, but I’ve definitely been using it in a way that doesn’t benefit me. I know that I’m complaining because, yes, there is a problem to be had legitimately, but also because I simply can’t hold the discomfort of being flexible. That’s honestly usually mostly my shit and I’m making it a problem for someone else. Anything that I do in my behavior in reaction to that is on me, including complaining.
Sometimes I engage with a version of unsolicited advice by writing or talking about something going on for me in hopes that by osmosis I’ll make an impact on whoever I’m talking to. The driver of that is well-meaning and truly wants to help people. But I didn’t ask, nor was I asked to, give that advice. That approach is sooo passive, it feels cringe, and is how codependence shows up for me sometimes.
So I’ve been at an impasse with what to say here. I don’t want to be a part of the Tony Robbins Effect that I’ve been personally victimized by, so I’ve been pumping the breaks on how I structure the newsletter. I gave myself some space with it and trusted that I would know what felt right, and here we are.
I want to be a part of a shift that encourages us as a society to understand that first and foremost: I’m going to bring my shit with me. If my life is shit, so much so that I’m looking to someone else to tell me how to do it under their formula for success, then I will undoubtedly copy and paste my shit on the very thing I want help with. This is a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE disclaimer! One that I don’t hear.
My bullshit is actually more LIKELY to come up when I’m trying to make a positive change in my life.
Things that have come up for me since making actual positive action:
shame
being hyper self-critical
being hyper others-critical
shame spirals
avoidance/procrastination
more shame
success barriers
the habits I’m trying to break GETTING WORSE
the sadness of letting go of my old way of life
guilt
isolation
loneliness
feeling disloyal
more shame
Something to note in all of this, you know take any and all advice with a grain of salt. Unless you have previously deemed that entity to be a trustworthy source. The problem I have with the Matthew McConaughey thing is: how could someone with great success possibly know what it’s like to spend their life at a disadvantage? Why would I go to a celebrity whose life is, was, and will be so drastically different from mine to tell me how to do anything in my life? That they know the answer enough so that they have something of tangible value to help me out of it. It is literally inapplicable and my desire to look to him to help me is actually hurting my ability to get what he has(if I’m ignoring those facts).
I don’t really internalize advice from cis men on my approach to life anymore. There is no way they could possibly know unless their body magically started syncing to the moon and they were in touch with their emotions. I will turn to men for advice on practical things that have been gatekept by the patriarchy for sure. I will get their perspective on things that are going on for me because they have a different experiences with those things, but I will not take the unsolicited advice that they give as a result of those conversations. It serves a purpose for sure and needs to be in the room for consideration but that approach is that Toxic Masculine energy I was talking about. Pretty yuck in my honest o.
My knowledge of all this shit(internally, energetically, and systematically) and my ability to hold how uncomfortable it all is for me, have now prepared me to know that I can do literally anything I desire. It’s all going to be however it looks and I’m actually fine with that! If the goal is to have a happy life, this is the route. It sucks. You have to light the fire, go through it, let it smolder, watch the barren wasteland of ash, and see the sprouts turn to trees, meadows, fields, and flowers. It’s slow and grueling. But I promise those neon green leaves dancing in the wind are so so worth it.
Sometimes my process is more public than it needs to be and sometimes its more internal than it needs to be. I find that the more I externalize the quicker I’m able to see the things that don’t feel authentic to me. So sometimes I’m going to prematurely process something publically, I trust that I’m going to learn what feels right to share eventually. And when I internalize I have a backlog of words that come to the forefront in this beautiful cascade that is confusing to sift out. They all are okay, and I guess today I’m seeing how all of this fits together. I even questioned if sending this newsletter out was, again, me giving unsolicited advice. Well guess what I won’t know until afterwards anyway. What feels right will come to me abundantly and naturally and what I’m trying to force will need to wait. Probably for an invitation, but that’s for another time.
Thank you, you mean more to me than you know.
-Alex