I value any and all support for this newsletter. You can like, comment, subscribe, share with a friend, share to social, or pay for a subscription, I don’t care! It helps me keep this going if I feel I’m being of use to the people receiving my message. That requires your feedback. I hate to say it, but it does. I need your support more than I need your money.
Okay okay okay I’m going to saaay iiiiit… I feel like I’m over the hump on this healing shit! I’ve done all the uphill work on myself. I’m just kind of strolling my way down this hill, enjoying every step and change of perspective along the way.
BUUUUUT damn do old habits die hard. ‘Trauma Bonding’, yuck, is one of those old habits I guess.
Trauma bonding for me is starting a relationship with the unconscious intention to cope in some way. I’ve seen trauma-bonded relationships in my life show up in: interpersonal relationships, how I view money, self-worth, objects, substances, and general lifestyles/labels(artist, homesteader, sustainable, to name a few of mine).
I love to talk about the nervous system in relation to the growth journey. I think it needs to be talked about more. My thoughts, my being(soul, inner voice, truth), and my body can all be on completely different pages.
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again for the people in the back(me): My physiology was designed under conditions that were out of my control, my physiology yearns for the comfort I felt under those conditions, I chose to go a different direction, I am changing my physiology, my physiology doesn’t quite know that yet.
From where ever we start, our bodies were created under circumstances outside of our control. Sometimes that really works for someone!
How great! Keep going!
But often, if we look within and know our desires, that inaugural situation doesn’t work for who we choose to be. Sometimes people get stuck in a loop in reaction to that, someone else tries to break the cycle - there is no right way here and that is the point.
I was in my kitchen making coffee the other morning, reflecting. Loud and clear I heard(in my head lol) the subject of this newsletter “Trauma Bound to Trauma Respond.” I sat down to write a newsy and this guy popped out :
Trauma Bound
Here I go again
I’m trauma bound
It is clear
I’m destined
To trauma respond
Healing mentally
Doesn’t stop
The craving
My body is used to
Reaching for chaos
The neurons
Doing their jobs
Firing
Like they used to
They don’t know
I’m different
Mentally
Living in a different state
Calling over FaceTime
Unavailable
I see and hear
Birds on a branch
I smell and taste
An everything bagel
My body feels frenetic
Luckily
My thoughts are healed
They know
Bodies need more time
More evidence
All I can do
Is honor our differences
Humble myself
To the version
That created the pathways
At this time
My body
Is trauma bound
At this time
I’ll anticipate it
When it happens
Next time
We all know it will
We will get through it
Together
Maybe
Just maybe
One day
We’ll sync up
Peace is practice
There comes a point in most people’s lives where something needs to be rewritten. For me, it was an entire lifestyle and a complete cellular priority shift. I’ll go more into that topic in the coming weeks. It’s all part of this life experience that is done in degrees for everyone, what works for me most certainly won’t work for you.
I do not wish to glamorize burning your life to the ground and then rebuilding. It’s a tough, arduous process that I don’t really recommend unless you’re feeling called to it or are already doing it. This approach is not for everyone!
I notice in the people close to me that it happens around when you hit 30. For various reasons, including what is written in the stars for us all, 30 is a good time for a priority shift.
I’m seeing some of my “greatest hits” of trauma responses and patterning come up recently. So much space has been cleared that I can see that some of these guys are still tagging along, despite my best efforts.
This gets me thinking about karma in relation to all this. A problematic relationship built on a problem is only going to continue to be problematic. A healthy relationship built on respect and support is going to continue to be supportive and respectful. The energy something starts with is what carries it.
It is extremely hard to stop the trauma bond snowball from going down the hill without getting swept away. Luckily I know how to build. The physical walls I used to build have turned into energetic ones. At this point my boundary is halfway down the hill, inching its way up. I built the boundary between reality and myself with the tools I’ve learned over the past three years. As those get stronger with time, so will the wall as it travels to the top. Ideally, I’d like to stop the snowball sooner than I can now, but that’s just not how this stuff works.
I’m ungracefully figuring this bit out. When a relationship already has momentum founded on unhealthy coping patterns, how do I stop it from getting more problematic?
What I’m noticing now is as I’m more healed, the old wounds that I needed to tend to so diligently no longer need the attention. If the wound doesn’t need tending to then it’s obvious. There’s no substance to making friends with pain. It’s only pain. And as I spoke about in one of my last newsletters, I am not doing that shit anymore.
I plan on living until I’m 102. I got 70 more years to go, so no rush on any of this stuff either. I know I’ll go through many more cycles of this deepening. I’ve got plenty of time.
Right now…
I’m craving to savor every moment of presence this journey has given me. Clearing space means space for more. Until then, since those too will take time to fill up my life, I want to sit and watch while I’m just doing what feels right. Getting out of my own damn way.
A friend said to me something to the effect of “After all this growth, I’ve earned to rest and enjoy the moment.” YESSSS I feeeeel that dude. Hard. I don’t need to do any more work other than tie up the loose ends of a life that doesn’t work for me. That’s a cakewalk to what the past 3.5 yrs have been.
I’m doing this financially, relationally, and personally. While I’ve been single for some time, I’m seeing what people mean when they say to focus on yourself. Codependency is one of the labels I will wear until the end of my time so it makes sense that it would take 3.5 years to actually say I get that. The habit of staying in my lane is new.
So yeah, I’m just focusing on me right now. I have been it just was more about sorting through the past to see where I stood. I want to live in the effervescence that people tell me I am to them. I have extended periods of time where I feel this and that feeling is expanding. I want no disruption to that. I want to sink into it, breathe it in, massage it into my body, and love all up on it.
I’ve never allowed myself to enjoy myself. You would think isolation would make you see that. It doesn’t. I’ve spent so much time alone, ungodly amounts of time alone. It was not until I was allowing myself to be seen did I see my value and the value of this alone time. This newsletter is doing this for me.
I’ve never, really, asserted myself either. While I have been in leadership positions it kind of felt like I was just kind of there, along for the ride willing to accept whatever was given to me. That happens no longer.
Look, the way I see it…
I will never be in my early thirties, in 2023, single, and as whole as this ever again. This time, now, is just as valuable as the time I’m working toward. So yeah I’m going to trauma bond. What the fuck of it? Am I going to be in danger again? I don’t know for sure but probably not. Definitely not the danger I’ve seen in my past. Eventually, I won’t even care that I’m doing it or maybe I won’t do it at all. But for now. We’re chill and figuring it out.
Let’s.Fucking.Go.For.It.
Thank you, you mean more to me than you know.
-alex