What is hidden
Forgetting and remembering
The real party is in these audio dictations in my honest oooooooooo. Does anyone listen to them? Idk! I sure have fun recording them!
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What is hidden
I’ve been having pretty rapid-fire realizations and clarity around my life. It’s hard to talk about just one. Okay, here we go… so I recently realized how much I naturally want to hide. The desire to be unseen and to isolate is hard to talk about, honestly. It feels confusing and weird because I’m so open publicly. I’m all about authenticity, right?
I didn’t know that I was hiding many or even all parts of myself. A protective mechanism to keep me safe. There are always going to be things that I hide - in my relationships, from myself. This is one of the truths I know.
I’ll try not to act surprised next time something becomes revealed to me so I can get closer to embracing the divine timing of it.
I’ve been thinking about what I hide and how I keep it away. I know that when I hide my feelings, my behaviour is dismissive, minimizing, and casual. If I’m doing this in a relationship and the feelings are about that person, that dismissal of my own feelings more often than not comes off as a dismissal of the person themselves. That I know for a fact to be disrespectful. I’m not here to do that.
I hid from myself for 30 years my desire to have children and be married. When I remembered I wanted kids, it felt just like that - a remembrance of my truth.
If I could forget then remember my truth then what does it mean to hide?
I honestly believe that I was born into this world a whole, authentic expression of myself. I believe that a series of circumstances outside of my control led me to forget myself. Hiding is a reaction to those circumstances. Therefore, I do not have the function innately within me to hide. Hiding is a learned, protective behaviour.
So it gets me thinking about what things I unconsciously choose to hide. To me the answer is obvious. I wouldn’t hide something unless someone else was confronted by it when I naturally tried to express it the first time, in my full authenticity. Look, I’ve done my fair share of trailing shit back. From my experience - that is a one-way ticket to re-traumatization. I don’t need to know who, what, when, or where this all started. If I don’t know immediately I don’t need to know.
I see myself playing and working with hiding here: what I keep, what I know, what I hide in fluidity. Exciting turn of events. Literally witnessing myself regain my power. Thank you for the healing this newsletter provides me.
If I wouldn’t innately hide myself from myself, and some situation incited the desire to hide, then the things I hide have to be what I view to be the most confronting. Hiding’s function is to avoid confrontation.
My natural line of thought from here is that the things I want to hide have got to be what makes me special. They have to be my gifts! They have to be the things that make me, me. There is no way that cannot be true.
I have always been bursting at the seams, creatively.
I have always held myself back from expressing. That’s why I like writing like this now. It’s just pure expression and completely different from a painting. Painting was always really hard for me. Hilarious that I have been an artist my whole life, trying to “sell my work” what a joke! What does that even mean? Sell my work.
Spoiler Alert: No one was ever buying. Hahahahha! How could they?
I once was in a relationship where I felt as though I had to suppress 99% of myself. It was extremely stressful. I remember thinking when I hung out with him (we would often do creative things together like cooking, painting, drawing, making music, etc) that I was such a terrible artist. I was such a terrible artist because I couldn’t just let go and let loose. I was holding myself back and I was so frustrated at my potential. I wasn’t ready to look at it, to embrace it.
I said to him once “Creativity is boundless, there are things I can’t conceive of in my brain that people are going to produce.” I see that now as I see most things, a reflection of my self-image. MY creativity is boundless MY TRUTH knew what I could produce MY HAND, HEART, AND EGO would not allow me to conceive of it. I was hiding my own creativity from myself.
I go through phases where I think I’m never going to be an artist again. I genuinely am no longer “trying to sell” anything. I’m not here to be bought, sold, or put into a neat little box. I’m boundless and I trust that. I trust too that I’ll forget this.
Life is essentially a lot of forgetting and remembering. You learn a lesson, forget it, and relearn it the next time. That happens until you’re just fully integrated and the forgetting and remembering happens at the same time. That’s what we call an epiphany. Epiphanies are what change lives. Epiphanies are about being confronted with something you forgot while simultaneously remembering a version of yourself that feels deeply connected to the truth of that thing.
I choose to think epiphanies are God-powered and give my soul a moment to feel recognized for what it is. What do you think?
Thank you, you mean more to me than you know.
Your loving servant,
Alex Brookhouse
Visit my website to see the work I did in my last life before it all disappears!