What is there to write about when happy?
Art comes from pain?
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One voice in my head sometimes tells me that if I talk about how I’m in a good place, I’m somehow PUSHING MY HAPPINESS IN THE FACE of whoever I’m telling. What a funny thing to think. As if, the people who love me will respond negatively to me emerging from the darkness to stand in my own light. As if, that’s wrong. As if, that’s not what they want for me.
The stories we tell ourselves are so peculiar in those ways. Even the topic of this newsletter is coming from a place of lack. I have no value unless I am in pain. Fuck that. I HAVE ALL THE VALUE WHEN I’M NOT IN PAIN.
I just have to get to know this side of me. I know the darkness, we’ve spelunked together, we no longer need one another. I had an outfit crisis before going on a date last week for the first time in forever. Cue existential crisis. Cue pondering questions that will pull me into the depths again. Cue me realizing it. Cue me focusing on what I can control.
Getting to the bottom of darkness and feeling around was my life for the past three years. It was scary and brave and sometimes re-traumatizing. The next scary and brave and … probably re-traumatizing thing is knowing who I am in the light again.
As an artist, I want to express. I want to express all over the place. You know what makes me not want to express? Living in the vibe I’ve been in for the past couple of years. You know what makes me feel like expressing? When I have the space in my life to do so. Consumed in darkness provides no space.
I understand that, theoretically. But still. A part wants to hold the darkness close because it’s been a consistent friend. I have grief over losing my darkness. Even that word. Losing. It’s not lost. It’s just in the attic, with Death, where they belong. There, but not visible.
So, I’m rediscovering myself. The light exposes a lot that I’ve left untended. Darkness made me lose my interests. I talked about this in another newsletter but I wasn’t quite ready to explore the light. I needed to see the dark a couple more times to know that it’s a choice to close my eyes until morning.
Yesterday I dumped all my clothes on my living room floor. I sorted them on a degree or scale basis of what made me feel good. I’m not ready to part with much but what deserves to go in the back of the closet is there now. Or rather, still in a pile on the floor. Coming to terms with the change and seeing what actually makes me feel less myself is a bumpy road. I can deal with the pile, until I can no longer. I trust it will pick itself up and go to its rightful place eventually.
I’m excited that I’m organizing this part of my life by what feels good. Not what looks good.
I went to fashion school, studied fashion magazines, merchandised, and styled clothing for 10 years of my life. I know how to rearrange pieces to look good. I also know a lot about rearranging the pieces to look like they feel good. What I get to learn now, is how to actually feel good.
Something to note is that I learned through professionally working with clothing that I hate it, so this will be a fun unlearning that I’m probably not going to look forward to all the time.
Thank God for creativity. A broad skill that we all have that comes in many expressions. Even, dormant ones that you thought would never revisit you.
Speaking of creativity, I love that I’m writing now. I can’t believe how naturally this comes to me. It doesn’t deplete my energy nearly as much as more physical expressions of creativity. So grateful for this newsletter and all the gifts it continues to give me.
What I’m Working on This Week :
Personally: Working on my maintenance plan for this good vibe I’m in. I know I need to focus on maintenance now when I’m feeling like this so life will be a little easier when darkness comes again.
Art: This is a good start.
Work: I got a new serving job so I’m super excited to get into something new! I’m still in the pursuit of full-time work. Keep me in mind for any marketing or marketing copywriting positions!
Purpose: I’m learning that I want to help people navigate themselves without having to spelunk with darkness. More will be revealed.
Events I Have Coming Up :
Scheduling the next Self Trust workshop!
Thank you so very much, you mean more to me than you know
-Alex