where have all the colors gone?
and why?
my tree turned yellow today!
hiiii!
i’ve been feeling very pink lately. oh wow, going right for it? okay. i didn’t know that i was feeling pink until i just typed that, sooo very good to know. okay so i guess i gotta tell you what i mean by that and then probably a few more thoughts on color in different applications.
when i was little my favorite color was pink. i’m going to say i was like 5 at this time in my life and while i don’t know exactly how the events transpired, i think i know the basic gist. i said i liked pink, my mom bought me all pink clothes, i freaked out if it wasn’t pink down to the socks and underwear, my parents took me to a house to meet a lady who had an all pink house/wardrobe, my room turned pink, my entire life was pink. i became pink. i was pink.
i apply pink-ness to everything new i do. i like something. i become that one thing. i become laser focused on that thing and only that thing. but what about my other colors? where does that leave them? are they the laundry i keep on the floor, to be picked up once a week? or are they more of a dust bunny under the couch never to see the light of day until once a year when i do a deep clean?
right now i’ve been pink about living in des moines and the slippery sneaky little beast that is “creating my perfect life on my terms for the first time.” which makes me so unhappy when i look around and see that there’s discarded colors on the floor that i don’t know what to do with. i’m assigning too much identity to looking like i’m creating the perfect life. so much so that i’m left with pink, which really is black or white. all my color has been drained once again and i only see in extremes. it makes sense, i cope to scary things by being pink. this is the process of breaking free from this particular mechanism.
in a literal sense, i haven’t been able to identify my favorite color of the moment since the beginning of this year(when i started this journey to the midwest). i usually know this by what colors i take most pictures of or feel drawn to most. colors to me can be like people in the lens of attraction. i’m attracted to some more than others based on the specific flavor of my life at the moment. it’s a practice i do regularly: at an antique mall, when walking down the street, what i’m attracted to in the subject matter of my surroundings, where my eye is drawn. and with that, sometimes i notice things like how i can’t identify my favorite color. and it’s simply an observation to reveal itself when the time comes. for example, knowing i want to write about color and having the essay reveal itself in a real time realization. simply so that my heart can spill on the keyboard and i can feel closer to myself, and in the reaction of this with you dear reader. that’s the true creative process for me. a hint to the goal that i fill in when given the proper space.
from my observation, we as a society are rapidly loosing our color. i think people fetishize fall and spring so much because nature is showing us the colors we are lacking in our lives. minimal black white grey beige barn wood black box houses with bells and whistles we’ll never use, are where the modern goals lie. homes are a reflection of self. i think about home a lot. more on that in a later essay but the general gist of my thoughts are as follows. if i fill my home with furniture removed from human-ness(mass produced ikea shit), if i put art on the walls that generically says live laugh love, if i stay safe an stick to a neutral, inoffensive, obvious palette, what does that say about how i feel about myself? does something, a je ne sais quoi perhaps, get lost? and does that environment inform my inner world or vice versa?
i was in conversation with someone last night that brought up how car colors suck now. it’s true. they’re all grey, white, black, bleh. if you know me you know i drive a light green fiat 500 so i don’t think about this very often. but it’s true. we’re told cops pull us over more frequently if we have a red car or whatever color. but what if red in the form of a car helps me live a more vibrant, authentic life for myself? what if a part of my personality comes out that i love when i drive that red car? idk things to think about.
i have a friend who describes becoming grey in their life. i think theres something to that. it feels so visceral to me. i know what grey feels like, i’m repelled by it. i used to embrace it. it used to be all i knew..
i used to get in fights with a past partner about color frequently. he always saw color a little more blue than i do. i think that speaks a lot to him, and me. i couldn’t cope with being told a color wasn’t what i saw in it. he couldn’t either. but that’s the beauty of life. our experience shapes the way we see things, in this exploration it’s color. we all see things differently, through different colors and that’s what makes life worth living for me. i want to see the colors of everyone i know, and for them to see mine. and not to fight me over it but to respect it, respectively hah.
the thing about being pink is that i look around, my clothes are pink my home is pink my insides are trying to be pink so much that i can’t see that other colors exist. perfectionism comes into play here big time. perfectionism is pink-ness. that relentless bitch finds her way everywhere for me.
anyway i have to let all my colors show to myself, in order to live my rainbow. i am a rainbow. i have many colors swirling inside of me at once. occasionally i focus too heavily on one color of my life and all the others get dull and i feel fucking gross, unhappy and burnt out. last week i got burnt out. i was focusing too much on one color, now all i can do is provide the other colors some space to breathe and show themselves.
what i’m working on this week :
personally : keeping with just allowing myself to be, i want to apply that in this color conversation. which to me is all about getting my needs met. i want to get more clear on what my needs are to live a colorful life and start taking action towards that.
work : i’ve been working with a community children’s theater as their set designer so i have finishing touches to work on for that this week. this specifically was making me feel pink the past couple weeks so my focus is shifting to creating a body of personal work that i feel harnesses my potential and full creative expression.
purpose : this newsletter is making me feel like i’m stepping onto the right path. i will continue.
checking in about writing : i think i thought i had to not write how i talk. in the spirit of pink-ness, i thought i couldn’t do run on sentences with lots of ands and commas. lol fuck that. i can write however grammatically incorrect as i want! these are mostly free form with little planning or editing other than an imprint of an idea, my sweet spot.
events i have coming up :
a woRkshop with creative mornings on december 12th about building self trust through art exploration! no links until closer to the date but mark your calendars okay!