Breaking down the monolith of fear
with a side of Divinity
Business, Business, Business
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Okay, Now the Newsletter
Hi, I miss you. I’ve been avoiding you. The physics of pushing something away has returned the energy to me to face it. Where attention goes attention grows, I guess. It’s time to squash.
I suppose it comes down to fear. Whatever happened in the last newsletter scared me. It scared me to be myself, a fear I know intimately.
Letting and allowing the messiness of life, while it’s totally my brand, is not a natural way of expressing myself for me. I am so used to rearranging the pieces and slamming my fist on them to make them fit, that I forget that’s the messiest way to live of all.
If it’s about curating a ‘perfect life’, forcing what isn’t meant to be is such an obvious act of self will. So obvious that I’m not fooling anyone. I did fool myself in this line of thought for 28 years, I now know it doesn’t serve me or anyone close to me.
So yeah I’m afraid, I’m mostly afraid these days. What I’m learning is the differences in fear. I was reading fear as a monolithic threat when it came up. That is a lie to keep myself small.
There is something to be said about the fear that feels as though you are trembling in the corners of your life and body. Easily disturbed and constantly abruptly disrupted. There is no discernment for this state. It requires time, curiosity, and diving into it to see its nuances. Like anything.
I have so much empathy for that part of myself. She’s traumatized and her sensitivity to threat is rightfully high. This plight is not specific to me, trauma often manifests in this way. Protective fear to keep me in my safe corner, safe.
Anxiety took the reins in this fear that I’ve been holding my whole life. I have always very well hidden being ‘an anxious person.’ Now that through many years of diligent work in understanding anxiety’s role in my body, I no longer feel the sensation. I have made friends with anxiety and because it is welcome it doesn’t want to show itself anymore.
Cue fear.
The phase of life I’m in now is mostly about throwing spaghetti and seeing what sticks. I throw it, Divinity throws it, we’re working in cohort to understand what I need right now. Exposure therapy. I have to throw spaghetti, rigatoni, macaroni, and fettuccini to see what noodle I like. Divinity throws the same noodles that have historically derailed me to see if I’ll continue on course, or so I believe. I welcome this challenge.
The fear I feel in this space is the fear that resides on the precipice of growth. Fear of success, mostly.
What if I fall in love with rigatoni? I always saw myself with fusilli.
If I stay in the corner, trembling, I will not meet fusilli or rigatoni. The fear I’ve been feeling recently is the one that happens when I stand up in my corner and take the first step into the vastness of opportunity.
I was reading those two fears as one in the same for a very long time. Keeping me crouched. In a holding pattern of frustration and fear. Frustration with self, parents for lack of tools, socioeconomic standing, gender gap, God/The Universe, and whatever job was fucking me over at the time.
I put my toe into opportunity and I felt rewarded. Now as I dove into the darkness before, I must dive into opportunity. With the same vigor I had in finding something wrong within to justify my external, I must acknowledge my external for what it is. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, nothing to take personal, and a gentle guide for who I am to step into.
Opportunity scares me. Opportunity is all I’ve ever wanted. It is actually here as it’s always been, I just haven’t seen it. I was seeing it as a threat to me and my corner when really it was a gentle friend reaching out a hand and walking me to my greatness.
I choose to see that ‘hand’ as Divinity now. Pulling me into myself through opportunities and rich, bold life experiences that, sometimes, traumatize me. But been there done that, I know how to handle that. How do I handle this? I guess in this way and whatever way feels honest to me.
What I’m Working On This Week:
Personally: I’ve been working on routine, some days are better than others and that’s the point. I need to see what throws me off course as well as what feels amazing.
Art: I have a couple of projects that have been weighing on me. I don’t think this week or next is the time to complete them but should be done soon before spring starts and I go full in on gardening.
Work: Man, feeling really good in my dedication to finding work and remaining open to what I’ll accept. Something is coming down the pike and I can feel it. Until then, I’m going to continue to apply for full-time work and would appreciate if you would think of me if you hear of any marketing jobs.
Purpose: I received a Divine Download this week that feels very exciting and part of my life’s work. It’s nowhere near time to share and it may take 30+ years to birth but boy oh boy am I jazzed.
Events I Have Coming Up:
Yeah yeah, still haven’t done this. Gonna give grace and maybe open myself up to the option of hosting a live workshop in Des Moines. We’ll see.
Thank you so very much, you mean more to me than you know.
-Alex