Business, Business, Business
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Okay, Now the Newsletter
2/13/2023
Reporting from the depths of a depression that I refuse to let get me down.
Man has it been a rough couple of weeks for me communication wise. I was feeling alllll good so the first couple of times I needed to assert boundaries, it didn’t hit. But after a solid 4 weeks of noticing that a majority of my interactions (excluding my in crowd of confidants, praise be) have been…hard.
Last week I was pissed and confused about it. I didn’t understand why all of a sudden I had to double down on boundaries.
Now, I’m beginning to see a bit more. I spoke about a massive mental shift in a recent newsletter. One that I felt coming for me but didn’t know when or what it was going to look like. Lol jokes on my high expectations of the external, it required deep acceptance and a realization of ‘I’m actually better at life than I thought I was’ for that change to come.
I’m loving writing these because I’m able to document my growth in real time and see benchmarks. I had no idea I needed this, the organizational structure of backlinking past newsletters really gets my Virgo Rising going.
So yeah, a big mental shift happened. Relatively quickly. Now what I’m experiencing, relatively quickly, is all the things that don’t serve me any longer leaving me. This happened in form of a job, honestly countless sticky interpersonal interactions, and people literally opting out of being on this vibe with me.
I’m different, I made the change. How I set up my life before and how I communicated before doesn’t serve me anymore. The people that put up with those unhealthy behaviors did not change. They chose me as much as I chose them, in my dysfunction. I made the choice to grow. I must leave now.
Relationships used to be really hard for me. It was hard for me to stand up for myself, not feel shame around oversharing, or even remember to drink water in the presence of someone else. I still struggle with these things, this will never leave me, this will always be my first reaction.
I trust that eventually, with intention, the reaction time for these mechanisms will be in the seconds. Last week I successfully pulled myself out of a trigger in 21 minutes over something that would have affected me for weeks if not months. I am so proud of myself! Like. So quick!
Sometimes I feel like I have an octopus on my head hugging my body. Each of its tentacles, an area of my life that has burdened me through my resistance to it. The coping mechanisms are the suction cups, slowly releasing their pressure on me. This shift feels like I’ve ripped the tentacle off of me and severed it completely, to grow a new one. Hopefully this one wont suffocate me like its predecessor, it likely will. Until the new one grows, my skin feels the relief of freedom and the fear of being exposed. The octopus is my shield, my protector, and my enemy.
I would love to dive into this more in a future newsletter. Lots of morsels to get the creativity going. I almost write a poem in here about my octopus. But you know I had to rein it in, I do love a sidebar.
Growth is exciting and scary. It’s exciting to see something on the precipice and feel elated that finally it is here, a new life. It’s scary because what made me feel safe, chaos, has been replaced with stillness.
I thought embracing stillness meant going into the caverns of my life, looking inward and feeling about. We have learned. It is not. That is its own chaos. Alas I’ve traded one for the other.
I’m learning that stillness in this new me is allowing it all to happen at once. Depression used to exist only on the couch, now it exists on the yoga mat, at my “desk”(it’s actually The Chair of Productivity lol), and in the bathtub.
I did a ritual this week where I wrote a bunch of shit that I’m releasing and threw it into a fire. What resulted is a slogan I saw Elyse Myers post a while back. Just do it….Scared, Tired, Anxious. What matters first and foremost in this “new me” is that I take action daily toward my goals.
For about 28 years I completely ignored how I felt. I needed a multiple year timespan to focus only on what was happening for me. I got enveloped in feeling! How fucking beautiful dude.
Yeah, I’m pretty fucking depressed and down right now. I’m sad my people who I thought were my friends are leaving me, my inner child is so sad about that. But we can be sad and depressed and productive and loving and nurturing and curious and everything all at once.
I’m happy all that isn’t serving me is leaving me, God am I happy about that. I’m also going to miss all thats going. I liked them, I confided in them, I release them.
I have anxiety writing this. Sending this into the world, for those who are leaving me to see. They do and don’t know they’re leaving me yet, energy shifts do not announce themselves and are simply felt by others. I do and don’t know who they are. Mostly don’t. I have anxiety and sadness because it may be you, my sweet friend.
This is like next level trust. I have to believe that the things leaving me served their purpose. It’s hard to trust that. Oh how I want to cling. Nothing is worth clinging to it. Reminds me of this 38 Special song :
Hold on loosely, don’t let go If you cling too tightly You’re going to loose control
2/17/2023
Hello! It’s taken me significantly longer to write this newsletter than I typically take. Things were going on course as usual.
I observed the seeds of this idea for weeks, this usually comes to me by topics I’m gravitating toward, what’s happening with me relationally, and random instances to support the theme.
This theme being death, of course. Hilarious that I mentioned death in that newsy I referenced earlier. When I typed it the other week it felt right but off brand a bit, I was curious about its reference I guess. Now I know why. Off to the attic this all must go.
I had a moment to write and the topic flowed out of me. I wrote 75% of what was above. When I got to the part where I was talking about how the person reading this may very well be someone leaving me, I hit a wall. Immediately deflected and went into that song to distract myself.
Even now I’m shaking and high. I had to stop typing above because I have to say that when I even get close to that part of this I want to immediately follow it with ‘but neither of us knows, this isn’t personal, I’m not trying to exclude you.’ I want to placate the reader to ease my discomfort. That shows me just how uncomfortable this really makes me. And honestly probably the point of writing it.
I’ve had pretty bad anxiety this week. Only because of this. Facing the fact of telling someone to their face that I’m okay and aware of them leaving me. Goodness does that sound dramatic. I had to fight with the not okay-ness of this over the past couple of days. To get here.
To say, I’ll be okay. And so will you. I might be better without you, and that’s shitty. You will probably be better without me, this I know. I know that what I was doing wasn’t the healthiest option. That is never good for the recipient, whoever or whatever they are. I can no longer comply with that way of thinking, it would have killed me. If not physically, my spirit for sure. That’s not what I’m here to do. I need to shine and so do you. We were dimming each other and I’m so, devastatingly sorry.
What I’m Working On This Week:
Personally: Routine! Learning so much more about myself now through focusing on routine. It’s so nice to know so obviously what is important to me.
Art: I drew once!
Work: I’m having some fear of success stuff come up around me updating my website. I plan to do opposite action stuff today for it but it is notable that I’ve been putting it off because I don’t want to be seen. I’m still in the pursuit of full-time work. Keep me in mind for any marketing or marketing copywriting positions!
Purpose: Worked on the garden plan this week, feels good to be looking into the future. Next up, devise a plan for renovating the garage to make a studio!
Events I Have Coming Up:
Alright, I have to be honest. I’ve not prioritized getting another workshop in the works. It got hard and I got avoidant. Classic Brookhouse. Next week I will email them!
Thank you so very much, you mean more to me than you know
-Alex