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I’ve been a student of “the law of attraction” since 2009. It started with the Esther Hicks book, went into The Secret, and when that all didn’t work out I identified as a Nihilist up until I started my 12 step program.
I see now that the law of attraction appealed to me because I was treating energy/higher power/divinity as a person. If it’s a person, I can manipulate it. Or so I thought. Nothing really worked out when I was practicing like that.
Tons of shame came up when I started my program, tons and tons and tons. Essentially I was using God as a scapegoat for the shortcomings I was putting on myself. Forcing myself into submission under the guise of a spiritual path. Yuck.
I say all this because I’ve been really deconstructing my relationship with higher power. My intention is to notice when I’m putting a humanistic trait on something I cannot conceive and surrender to my humanness, of inconceivability.
Through these observations and taking action, I have seen 2 1/2 months of ‘abundance’. Last week I experienced a massive trigger (one that I wasn’t fully aware of prior) that took me out and drew me back into my traumatized self. It was a wonderful experience.
One of the massive takeaway’s from that lesson was one in abundance. Abundance to me meant money, I understood theoretically that it included other things but money took precedent.
Money and financial freedom has been really hard for me. I grew up in a middle class home with poor habits which made having what I need to live comfortably feel absolutely unattainable. Throw in wage gap, identifying as a “starving artist”, and misaligned viewpoints on my needs and it was absolutely unattainable, I didn’t have the tools. I’ve had (the lack of) money over my head, oppressing me, for as long as I can remember.
I’ve heard about how abundance is in itself abundant, always there for the taking. I’ve heard that relationships and money are tied, when one is healthy so is the other(and its inverse). I’ve heard so many things that I tried so hard to access. Hell, I devoted 3 years of my life to looking at my interpersonal relationships just so that I could receive financial security in service of those ideas.
I see the truth in the things I was told now. You can’t accept something into your life while rejecting your current reality. If I want financial security it’s impossible to attain if my attention is in the discontentment of not having financial security. That’s not how energy works.
I was living in this new, abundant version of myself for as long as I ever have and ‘it got taken away’ last week. Humans punish humans, so feeling as though something was taken from me doesn’t exist under my new belief system. So with all of what’s above in mind, I set out for a reframe.
There is no possible way that abundance reacts to my day to day life in any way that I could be punished for. I had to be abundant somewhere. I was. The past few days I’ve been able to recognize that when I’m abundant in my internal world(which is usually depressive, anxious, reactive, reflective, and disregulated thoughts), my external feels small. This interaction perpetuates one another and the loop is continued.
Energy flows where attention goes. I was having these beautiful almost manic moments of writing my thoughts and notions down. The information was spewing from me. I have 5 or so documents started of ideas from last week and I wrote story for the first time, that’s the abundance I had.
When my external world is abundant that looks like seeing friends, having business meetings, seizing opportunity, getting big tips, and going on a bunch of dates, all while being curious. That’s what the past couple of weeks have been for me. There was a little bit of when’s the shoe going to drop energy but mostly I was really embracing opportunity.
Abundance is opportunity. There is always opportunity, it can always be found. Only when I open my eyes to it will I realize it was always there, through the darkness it was there. Going through the darkness was an opportunity to, for the first time in my life as well, understand myself honestly. When I don’t see my life honestly everything else goes to shit.
I’ve been saying I want a big, bold, beautiful life. That includes being triggered for a week. Being triggered has to be apart of the abundance equation not rejected. After all, I got triggered for good things happening in my life so I’m just really demystifying triggers for myself a bit too here.
When I’m internally abundant my eyes are closed to what is externally abundant. Last week the main vibe was being discontent in my current reality and living in an internal, scary reality projected into the future. If internally I’m scared, then what I see in my external will undoubtably be within that lens. I see you law of attraction.
Looking at last week objectively, I was hung up on the prospect of financial freedom and ignored the financial freedom being presented to me in the current moment. I was receiving what I was screaming for and didn’t see it. Abundance was there for the taking, as I know it always is. I just got in the way.
Denying my reality and living abundantly in my internal world is absolutely fine. A lot of amazing information comes from that and its necessary information, stuff I can share with you. It provides the fuel for when I’m externally abundant and have the confidence to share those thoughts.
I was living in that internal world 85% of the time, it makes sense that I was getting 15% external abundance when most of my energy was devoted to internal. For the past couple of weeks, aside from last, I’m going to say it was about 60/40 internal to external. It would be unrealistic to think that those numbers could flip, but I’ll get back to 60/40 soon and attempt for 50/50 by next year. Imagine all the things that will happen then!
I’m in training again.
Resources that helped me get here:
The 12 Steps
Alex Cantone has a podcast for projectors that is an endless source of ah-ha energy
Pea The Feary’s timeline jumping meditation
Countless conversations with trusted advisors
SARK books
Doubling down on routine as much as possible
Time tracking and holding myself accountable to how I spend my time
Reiki Sessions with Phoenix (sign up for her retreat in September, info below)
Personally: Really living between two worlds right now. Similar vibes to the poem I wrote a while back, I am The Baby. Feeling more myself every day. Wild that myself is, finally, this abundant version now.
Art: SO MANY IDEAS
Work: With this reframe in mind I’m going to completely stop my pursuit for full-time work or really work in general. I want to take advantage and maximize as much as possible within my current reality.
Purpose: Got a couple of topics I want to dive into, excited to share with paid subscribers soon!
I have a feeling I’m going to get some traction on workshops in Des Moines pretty soon, excited to share when I have info.
Thank you, you mean more to me than you know,
Alex