The double edge sword of awareness
willpower, at it again
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I’ve been wanting to write about control, and I still will, but control feels a little general for what I’m experiencing today. So I’m going to stick to looking at one suction cup on this tentacle.
I’ve talked about this concept of The Oppressive Octopus before.
I’m put off by the energy that came out when I typed that so I’m going to be brief and probably, again, expand more some other time.
Sometimes it feels like I have this very heavy octopus atop my head. His tentacles wrap around me and each cup is suctioned to my skin. The tentacle is a heavy-hitting area of my life that I feel has oppressed me somehow and the suction cup is one small facet of the larger arm. Sometimes one cup releases and sometimes an entire arm is blown off.
Today’s tentacle is control, today’s suction cup is awareness.
Awareness can be control. Awareness can be control. Awareness can be control.
I’m sick of myself today. I’m sick of awareness. I’m sick of being able to see my life honestly and of how scared I am that I might not know what to do with the information every time.
The nature of awareness starts out, like anything, with good intentions. Knowledge is very important, duh. I’ve lived a life with my head in the sand, then I’ve lived a life where I thought my head was above the sand, then lived a life where I felt the sand on my face, and then one where I thought the sand around me would go away if I looked at singular grain only to shift it to a different area where become further encased.
Now, I can’t see because the sand is flooding my eyes. I have the awareness. I know my head is in the sand. I know I can’t think my way around the '“problems” of my life. That they will never go away no matter how much sunlight is on them. That action is the only way around it, opposite action at that. Gross.
Awareness is a control pattern. Seeking awareness is a low self-esteem pattern. I’ve been aware (gag on how much I’m saying this word) for a bit of time that seeking awareness implies a not enough-ness that I no longer subscribe to. That doesn’t mean that the habit isn’t there, I certainly have those thought patterns pop up regularly and these patterns will live with me for the rest of my days.
But awareness as a control pattern is new for me.
Lol so new that I wrote all those words to warm myself up to getting into it.
….
Lol and there we go folks, awareness incepted in real time!
If I am hyper-aware, then I am protected. If I know everything there is to know about myself and my motives then I am protected. I guess this is both control and low self-esteem because THEN I go and take that awareness as ammo to be a total dick to myself.
Shame is my greatest motivator. It is my natural inclination to use shame as fuel to change my life in whatever way. And when I want to change it, that’s control.
I often forget one of my core values is you get what you put into it. If shame is my fuel, control will be its byproduct. Nothing good comes from a motivator of shame. Nothing good could possibly come from a motivator of shame. That makes sense to me now, like literally right now.
I get in these cycles where I want my life to be different than it is. I’m not taking full responsibility for these cycles. To some degree, we are all conditioned to these control cycles. Our society is built on willpower. Bootstraps up, Bucko.
I get my head in the sand, I get tunnel vision, I water myself down, I’m unfulfilled, I’m not happy, and I can’t let myself be.
All I know is awareness isn’t always bad, in fact, it’s mostly a neutral energy. Neither bad nor good. Awareness is great for experiencing a moment.
Alas, anything can become a weapon and I’m seeing today that awareness is one of mine. What does this awareness of awareness all mean? Where do I start if I usually inject awareness to make my problems feel controllable? A reframe is in order for sure.
I don’t have the answer. I might not even share the answer when it comes to me. Writing this newsletter gets to some hairy shit for me. This newsletter is me, flaunting my awareness for all to see. Sometimes the toxic side of awareness is that it makes me feel superior and that I want to teach, show, and exemplify a different way of life. Yes, that’s part of my purpose but it can really easily get unhealthy. I have no answers to anything. I don’t want fucking answers for you. Most of my problems with the world at large are that there are so many people trying to tell me what the fuck to do and I still don’t know how to do it. I do not want to scream in this echo chamber.
I guess, the point of writing this is there is no reframe. There may never be for the reader. There may never be a reframe for me. I can’t fight control with awareness, they are one and the same. Can I be okay living in tension? Can I be okay without the answer? Can I eventually reach my goal of letting myself fucking be? Can I let go and let God? I think I can. I don’t know.
I genuinely don’t want to share. Is this an awareness circle jerk section? Or am I actually holding myself accountable?
Thank you, you mean more to me than you know,
Alex