Can I accept that I'm in alignment?

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Can I accept that I’m in alignment?

Can I accept that there was never a moment where I was “out of alignment”?

Alignment in the skeletal system is fluid, flexible but stable, and solidly supportive. Is that not how I feel, ultimately, about my life?

Looking back on my life I appreciate all the moments with all their blushes and bruises. I ruminate that everything happened as it should have, as it led me to the present moment(which I’m quite fond of). Looking back, everything was in alignment. In this line of thought, there’s nothing to worry about.

Why am I only concerned about being out of alignment when I don’t get what I want -a future projection? Why does it consume me to embody whatever the most authentic version of myself is in that moment to attract what my brain thinks it needs? Any way to get to authenticity, I guess? Feels like a real roundabout way to get there. I definitely need to shed some layers to reveal the most direct path, let's go.

It's seeming to me that when I’m being confronted with reality is the only time when I question my fortune. When reality is knocking on the door what am I doing?

Reality knocking at the door could also be viewed as a test by the universe. Which I view as a barometer that is telling us where we’re at. Usually, from my experience, in the form of triggers.

I used to run away from the door when a knock came, literally and figuratively. What did it say about me then? What does it say about me now that I keep my door perpetually open?

Reality can look like:

• Pain manifesting in the body

• Playing out old patterns/bad habits

• Constantly hitting blocks

• Assuming an “on to the next” mentality/compliance/denial

• Your brain coming up with any reason to not do it

• Going to the hardware store for bread (metaphorically, in relationship. Also called an empty well)

• Feeling abandoned or lonely

• Isolation

When I was running away from reality, in a volatile mixture of the cocktail above, I was so frustrated and resentful and burnt out from all that wasted energy that I had zero ability to see opportunity. I was unable to see what was before me and in some of my not-so-proud moments, made opportunity my enemy. All of what came up and still comes up are simply habits, on their way to being broken. A mass unlearning of what I thought I knew into what I know to be true for me now. I’ve talked about this in past newsletters… like this one:

What all this needs is a deep and integrated trust. In this case, the trust here lies in The Process. The Process of things is in itself a Higher Power. You don’t have to believe in God or whatever to know that the unexpected happens when taking a path anywhere. You can call it chaos or divine planning or evolution. As they say “life happens” and it’s predictable that the unexpected will happen. In any direction: good, bad, neutral.

There’s a poem that illustrates the process of growth and self-discovery that has helped me in trusting this higher power. There are many different versions of it but this one is from Portia Nelson’s book There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk.

There's a Hole in my Sidewalk
by Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Seeing the process of things for yourself and your life requires:

1. awareness

2. understanding

3. compassion

4. some form of trust(or faith)

The key is what do you do with this information? When you’re able to see your patterns and you can predict your future based on your behavioral programming, what then? Action.

I’m in the transition of these phases currently. My old habit of intellectualizing doesn’t work since I have a very well-oiled habit of awareness. I don’t need to put any more attention to understanding or predicting(as for boundary setting). I found myself in a stalled pattern, spinning my wheels, at the beginning of this year. I had found myself in the part of The Process where knowledge was hurting me without action. Read about my thoughts here.

Action requires instinct and intuition. Having a habit of low self-esteem, I never felt confident in taking much action outside of reckless decision-making without regard to consequences. Building self-esteem requires action. I have the words now for what I was experiencing at the beginning of this year. A classic low self-esteem hole, one that I thought I could think myself out of.

Doing ‘esteemable acts’ is how they say to build self-esteem. Acts. Low self-esteem lives in the head and manifests in the body. Low self-esteem does not exist in reality outside of the body. Low self-esteem is selfish and yucky. Low self-esteem hides in accolades and awards. Low self-esteem judges everything you think, say, or do.

Now that I know I have low self-esteem, as a result of awareness(1) and understanding(2), I know what to do: have compassion(3) for the part of me that still will feel low and trust(4) that where I’m going will lead me to a life full of esteemable acts that will eventually rectify the pesky self-esteem issue. The goal thereafter would be ultimate fulfillment! Hahahah! Just that old thang! Enlightenment!

When reality knocks at my open door, I say ‘Want some sun-brewed iced tea? Let's sit and when you leave we’ll have a good hug.' Our exchange, propelling me to continue to be open to what that may bring. 

Oh, the ways we get in our own way and the way of nature. It’s okay that you do things to hinder your ultimate fulfillment - that, too, is part of the process. I am new to this, too. I’m here with you, put here to have the words for what you may feel. I appreciate your eyes reading these words, I appreciate our weird little connection. I hope that, while you may be silent and removed from me physically, what I say provides value to you.

I can promise that I will no longer remain silent about what comes naturally to me. It will no longer live rent-free in my head. Sharing my words will be a supportive act to further my beacon’s light. I trust what the result may be, no matter what patterns or habits may try to get in the way. I trust I will feel fulfilled in my life 10x more than I already do.

Now that’s alignment.

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Thank you, you mean more to me than you know.

Alex