Triggered into inspiration
Keep it comin, baby!
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I’ve taken a break from my artistic practice for about a year and some change now. Moving, experiencing trauma, extreme isolation, and depression made for a lack of space to be creative. I’ve been getting by with cooking, making things around the house, and writing, so it wasn’t all for naught.
When I do my introduction for my workshops I make a clear statement that I’m an artist by approach to and way of life. Everything I do is steeped in experimentation and curiosity to tap into my intuition. If I want something in my life, my M.O. is to make it before I buy it. My art is bone broths, sun-drying tomatoes, making curtains, weed storage systems, and building coffee tables in addition to paintings, sculptures, and collages.
My most hated question: What kind of art do you make? I guess I’m asking for it if I’m telling people that I’m an artist but I know what they really mean is; what kind of art do you sell?
I am not an artist by salesmanship.
Most artists don’t know how to sell themselves, and neither do I. But I can see it from them, which validates my struggle for success in this area. I hate sales, sales sucks and is also soul-sucking. Some people that’s their art, I want to meet those people.
For real put me in contact with or pass this newsletter to any artist managers you may know.
Before this break, I played my artistic life very safe. The art I made was controlled, considered, lacked depth, was minimal, and easily digestible. All of it wasn’t me.
I never understood how to make it feel like me, even though so much attention was put on making it look like it felt like me. Well as I type this I guess it did feel like me, inaccessible and restrained.
I’m understanding that a lot of what was causing my depression last year was that I didn’t have an outlet for what I was experiencing. All of my emotions were getting funneled into a depression balloon. The pressure was released a couple of months ago so I wasn’t aware until now what I needed.
The trigger I experienced two weeks ago threw me for a loop but the most interesting part of all of it is how it’s getting transformed in my art. Last week I spoke on an abundance of words and thoughts that came from it. This week I have been in a fury of painting and creating that I haven’t experienced maybe ever.
I’m having immediate, easy transmissions onto paper and cloth.
Lol would you have guessed that I’ve been present and observing what is coming up for me while painting in this new version of myself?? Is that something you’d expect from me? Hahah of course it is. Here we go
A lot of fear comes up when I paint. I get so in my head over how it looks or is going to be received that I can see why I played small in the past. I didn’t have Self Trust then so it totally makes sense. I had no way of sitting with the uncomfortable emotion of; will this look like shit?
If I care about how things look, my art looking like shit is a big concern. But I am about the feeeeeeling of things, how it makes my body feel in its authenticity or lack thereof. Focusing on aesthetics cuts my art off at the knees. I think subconsciously people got the sense of that. That disconnect was frustrating at the moment but ultimately supported me in actualization. I got caught in the cycle of salesmanship vs truly showing my insides.
Which is why I think I’m ready now to be painting. I am ready to sit on the edge of uncertainty. I’m ready for the chaos of my trauma to come out in my work and not my behaviour. It’s time to have a healthy outlet so that I can live. Which is, you know, the goal.
Living in The Darkness last year showed me how much I’m so over, overthinking about shit going on in my life. I just want to be. I realized pretty quickly that I was the one not letting myself be and really stirring some shit up for myself. It’s taken some months of training but I’m in a comfortable place with this. Unless I’m triggered.
There is no way I could have made any art when I was in The Darkness, the physical energy wasn’t there. I did the best with what I had so most of my time was taken in the bath and reading, I tried not to watch too much tv.
God, sometimes I get in my head like… am I being soo self-indulgent right now? Do people think this is worthwile to read? Ugh, as I say “I’m not as overthink-y” And we continue….
I now have the energy, confidence, and inspiration to create a body of work from all that I’ve been through. A visual representation of how I feel inside.
So far I’m learning that I naturally want a sunnier disposition to my work. It scared me to see how stormy and dark my hand was telling me I was/am. I want to run from it. But as I’ve confronted my inner landscape’s Darkness, I will take this on and push through. I’ve stopped myself too much, I need no more of this fear.
I feel empowered to lean into how my hand, mind, and skill are showing me what is going on. With curiosity. It’s going to look however the fuck it looks, this isn’t my only painting for the rest of my life. lol. I see this renaissance growing within me and I see it staying.
Is this who I am now? Will I ever arrive?
Personally: Starting to be spring! Excited to get in the dirt this weekend.
Art: Re-reading this newsletter kind of shows me how insecure I am in my art. I've been seeking validation around what I’m working on a little bit, definitely not as much as before. Just something to be aware of, I’m sure this will disperse as I create more and more work.
Work: Letting go of “having control” in this area really aided in this stroke of inspiration, man I guess I really do love myself.
Purpose: It’s all connected babyyyyyyyy
My friend Rhett, of Rhett Baruch Gallery, has a new show in his space on Melrose in LA starting April 6th running through May 6th. His curation is so textural and dynamic, honestly each show is better than the next. Love that guy, support however you can!
In some of my inspiration time I started planning an in-person workshop. Any DSM friends have any hook-ups with a venue for a Self Trust workshop?
Thank you, you mean more to me than you know,
Alex`