Trying

to connect

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Man for some reason, it’s hard for me to talk publicly about some topics that I really struggle with. It feels like if I talk about them openly I’m blaming whoever I’m speaking to for not filling that need somehow. I know that the emotions I have around these things are common and that the reason we don’t talk about them only furthers our isolation in them which is what that emotion wants. I know, logically, these things need to be shown in the light of day so we can all bask in how shitty it is to be human sometimes. Maybe by the end of this newsletter, I’ll be able to say what I’m really talking about. Until then I want to share some reflections I’ve been having around it.

What I will explore is how ‘trying’ can really fuck me sometimes.

If I’m being honest, which we all know I am hahah, its all the time.

Trying for anything is a breeding ground for my bullshit. Trying implies that I’m not “where I need to be.” Trying implies that I’m not enough and that what is happening at the current moment is wrong. Trying is white-knuckling. Trying is me playing God.

I’m becoming more intimate with the words that I use, thanks to writing this newsletter. So when the divine moment occurs where I notice using the word ‘trying’ in conversation, I know what I really mean is: I’m trying alright, trying to control my life.

Based on topics I’m mulling over in these newsletters I can see that I really struggle with control. On the outside(and inside too!), I’m this easygoing hippie, artist type. But the person who is usually backseat driving is this type a, stiff, independent woman. They are constantly at odds.

Sometimes I need things to be within the perfect conditions in order to feel safe to be myself and any disturbance completely throws me off. This control persona of mine is also the one who holds everything in. She’ll hold until something shakes her into freaking the fuck out and spilling all over the place.

Reminder Alex: This is also one of the conditions of being human.

Historically, this pent-up energy manifests as physical illness. In the past when I’m feeling unwell I’d get so spun out that it would cause me to take “positive action” in my life. The manifestation of physical illness is a huge trigger of mine to allow control to take over, which inevitably causes more physical shit.

Saturday I had a splitting headache and massive neck pain. Now I could tell you that this is because I’ve been sleeping on an air mattress for the past year and a half, (which is a factor for sure lol) in order to freak myself out over not having my real bed. And maaaybe I would white knuckle the needle to move a hair closer to getting my stuff from storage. The truth is, I was living in my head all week. All of my energy was upward and mental. Duh, headache.

Last week I was feeling desperately lonely.

THERE IT IS. Elephant exposed.

Loneliness is one of those triggers to action that the controlling side of me loves. I’ve experienced this pattern of physical pain paired with loneliness before. How I handled that no longer resonates.

A couple of years ago I took a cross-country trip after driving from LA to Pennsylvania to take care of my mother during her breast cancer treatment. I treated myself to a luxurious month-long trip back to Los Angeles to see what this country had to offer. By day 22, I was O-V-E-R it. The weight of seeing so many beautiful things and not having anyone to share them with in person was heavy. As well as the literal heaviness of taking everything out of my car each night to return it back in the morning. I had Jacques with me for companionship. He’s really dope, but he doesn’t talk and he is a lot of work on the road. We shared beautiful moments together but, you know, he couldn’t go into Field Museum with me to see Sue and talk about the awe we felt in the presence of such a magnificent creature. Anyway, I was feeling heavy and I had crazy neck pain and headaches for almost the whole trip. On day 23, I was overwhelmed. So I cut my trip short by 7 days. I went straight from Jackson, WY to LA within a length of time that was potentially dangerous. I ran from the feeling of loneliness and disguised it as independence and “honoring where I’m at.”

Here ensues a story created and reinforced. I’m independent, I need no one. The antidote is obvious to me now, ask for help or ask questions. I’m not vibing on inquiring any further into my patterns, I have all the information I need. So the only thing left is to ask for help.

Fucking hard dude.

Asking for help sometimes looks like offering to bring coffee to a friend while they’re at work. Sometimes it’s calling my parents and asking if they can reserve one day of their stay with me to do yard work and things around the house that are just simply easier to do with two people.

I’m all about efficiency, a total projector, and I know that most of the time the most efficient way isn’t doing it alone. Now, my particular set of circumstances shows that I’m heavily under-resourced in this arena. Mostly of my own doing. I am working on taking responsibility for this, being a single woman in her thirties living in the Midwest with no family or friends or frame of reference on how things work outside of coastal cities.

I gave myself a blank slate and I’m committed to rewriting some shit. Inevitably I’m going to use old ways of doing things until I see they don’t work here(in Des Moines, in my pursuit of truth, in my daily life). This is simply the process of things. This is where trying comes in.

I said to a friend today, “I’m trying to connect.” The work things I’ve been experiencing, feeling discontent in the state of my friendships here in DSM, online dating, and how I relate to my art all show me that this is a connection issue.

I don’t know how to connect my wants and desires, which have historically lived only in the depths of my soul, and then make them happen in reality. I’ve spoken about how I’ve looked to the law of attraction to make that connection for me, the article will be embedded below. It feels like my whole life I’ve had this connection issue.

Also, v Merc Retrograde vibes. V human condition vibes.

We all to some degree have challenges with connecting to others, mine are specific to me and yours are specific to you. I’m working on mine, I’m aware of mine, and I’m counteracting. So if it’s a connection issue, I trust this will sort itself out. All I can do is see it for what it is, simply something that is part of how I experience this life.

What a relief to know that this has lived with me from birth, what a relief to know that this will continue until my death. I can choose to make the connection issue a problem for me like I have been. Or I can choose to see I don’t need to figure it out. There is no wrapping my brain around this. There is no solve.

Solving it is not my responsibility. My responsibility is what I do with not having the solve and being open to the growth within that awareness. How I react and how I respond. I can react with control or I can respond with peace.

Peace is a practice.

I made this wallpaper for myself a few weeks ago to remind me of how innately I am not wired for peace and that I have to train it into my life if I want it, which I so very much do.

Again, I don’t really care to share this. What I’m working on is living my life. What I’m working on is gathering information to write these newsletters which are already about the shit I’m working on. Do I really need to pile it on? Again, more to be revealed.

Selling some art at Open Sesame this weekend! The works are available for shipping afterward.

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Thank you, you mean more to me than you know,

Alex